The loss of a father (Revised)
I have lots of unpleasant memories of my father. It's sad to say. We were so alike that we butt heads more than anything. I remember when I was a child he use
to hit me in the side of the head when I would ask him for help with my homework and he would call me "stupid, idiot, retard" and so on. Growing up that behavior he had towards me still remained the same but got a lot worse over the years. When him and my mother divorced, I was thrilled. My nightmare began with her shortly after he had moved out.

Eventually I had no other choice but to go live with him and his at that time girlfriend. I just walked all the way to their place and shortly after we had to go back for my sister since I was no longer there to help take care of her while mother was at work or with her boyfriend. Things worked out with my dads girlfriend nicely, she could see through the bull that my sister played on me to try and do her best to be daddies little girl.

Dad was still the same. He didn't really change at all for the better. The worse yes. Never for the better. He was back to blaming me for my sisters mistakes not long after we both ended up at my fathers together again. He always acted like she could do no wrong. At least his wife was able to see that she was a total brat. I couldn't take much more of the mental and physical abuse was just too much to bear any longer so when I turned 18 years old I moved out to live with a friend. Stayed away at least a year or so until all hell broke loose out in the real world for me and decided to go back home.

At 19 shortly after returning home I got pregnant. My dad was very mad at me told me to get rid of the baby but I didn't. I kept my son who is now 9 years old. My dad wound up loving my son very much. They hung out every chance they got and we started to be a little civil with one another. Still never really getting that chance to talk about the past and our father daughter relationship. My step mom always tried to help him and I out with that often. She was great with me and we got along well. I never thought the weekend my dad and my step mom watched my son that it would be the last time we would ever see him again.

That Monday after he came home from work he died at home of a massive heart attack. And I never really got to tell him I loved him and how I felt about the way he treated me growing up. It still bothers me to this day but I try to deal with the fact that I can not call him when my son wants to see him or if I have car trouble.

Now I have a 6 month old he will never get to see. He will always be missed but I tell my boys the good things about him and try to never let my oldest forget him. It's very hard not having my father around anymore. It's hard to imagine now, that we fought so hard and so much. I have children of my own and I try to be there for them the way my father was not for me. I do not act towards them the way he did towards me. I will never put them through the hell that I had to go through with him.

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