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AKolle
Amanda Kolle
United States, Pa., Pittsburgh

Words: 582
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Loss (revised)

As I stood behind the door listening to them speak I noticed the sadness in her voice as she described the pain she felt. She was in terrible pain. There was nothing I could do to help her feel any better. She just found out that her husband was killed in the accident on the freeway last night. Now she was feeling even more pain because she was going to have to come up and tell the children about their father. I hurried back upstairs as If I knew nothing. Warning the other two to go back to sleep. She came up. Tapped me on my shoulder and said "she needed to talk to me". I walked down stairs with her. We sat down on the sofa as she held my hand, tears streaming down her face. "He's dead" she said. "My husband, he's gone". Now I was in tears as she was trying to contemplate what to do next. All I could tell her was that I was sorry and that I would be here for her if she needed me to be. She was going to need me very soon.

The children now up running down the stairs wanted to know where their daddy was. Now I said, "Sit down here. Let your mother talk to you both". In as clam of a voice as she could stomach she explained to the children the best way she knew how about their father. The kids were in such disbelief that they started running around the house yelling for their father who was not after 20 minutes answering them. They sat back down with their mother and cried until they fell asleep in her arms. Now she had me put the children down and help her make some calls. She wasn't really sure what she was doing. She was walking around the house as if she were lost, frightened and alone. But for now she wasn't alone. She had me to help her. The children were still upstairs sleeping it off, the shock of losing their father.

The worst was yet to come and they didn't even know it. But they are still so young that they do not really understand what is going on. One day when they are older they will realize the terrible loss of their father. They may one day have another man in there lives that they will call dad but he will never be the same as their father. The one that stayed up with them at night and fed them changed them and hugged them, to tell them bed time stories and to shield them from the boogeyman under the bed. Now they had to be strong together to make it through this horrible thing that has happened to their family. Not just for their mother but for them selves.

It was going to be a rocky road but they were a strong family and they would help one another through it. If it was the last thing they would do. They were always a strong family. It wasn't going to stop now that he was gone. They would go on and fight everyday, every minute and every second that he is gone. But they will always remember him in their hearts and their minds because they loved him so much. They will miss him yes but they will never forget him.

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Comments  
AKolle Comment by: AKolle - 2007-04-15 16:20
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Thank you all for the comments and suggestion. I am revising the story on and off. Look for the revised parts soon. Thanks again.
Michael987 Comment by: Michael987 - 2007-04-04 22:52
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I thought it was a pretty good story. It could use some shortening and some imagry. It is a good rough daft. I think I would use the word calm instead of clam. I can not imagine losing a parent. I know it is inevitable and i hope I can be as strong as the family in the story. I also think the story would benefit from shoter paragraphs.
Kaze Comment by: Kaze - 2007-04-01 18:50
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The story is very nice but there are still some things that could be edited.

One thing you could do is separate it into paragraphs rather than one big one; that'll make it easier to read.

Like hatchzel said, putting quotes around the dialogue would also help distinguish when they are talking.

Some words like 'bogyman' as hatchzel pointed out should be 'boogeyman' and loosing should be 'losing'.

Those are just some minor suggestions, some including the same that hatchzel said.

But this is a good story and you should keep up the good work. =)
hatchzel Comment by: hatchzel - 2007-04-01 11:54
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Good Start here, i like to suggest that you can break down parts so that readers won't get lost in the flow, keep them engaged. Perhaps you can quote the dialogue/ lines of the characters to distinguish them from the whole piece. And a typo- bogyman is typed as boogeyman, if am not mistaken... KEEP WRITING, you have a knack at heartwarming works:)
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By AKolle

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