Okay...Im just going to spit out some of my feelings at this point...

I run quick to the chase...but tumble around trying to seek and find this "better place".But what the hell is...better, anyway?I still have nothing that comes to mind to describe this foreign escape. Perhaps I have finally heard my "wake up" call within the past few weeks. Im 21 years old....I end up in pointless relationships with ones who are intellectually bare' inside most often.In most cases...I feel as tho...my "hope" is under the influence. And I don't know how to react to my sprees of bad luck with guys.But you keep moving on...not everyone is suppose to be the "one" or suitable for you.Ironically Im giving into the belief you do need to love yourself before you can love someone else. Life can't always be so complex...you have to make it simple sometimes.Take it day by day.Im having some of the best times with friends.....and simply just enjoying being YoUnG! ..FiNallY Im consuming things that I actually could never admit I loved about myself before. This may sound lame but..you know what.. its nice...its nice to appreciate yourself sometimes.And maybe...I've been my PrObLem all this time. Im Too critical.I know..Im not perfect.Im often misunderstood.I have no idea where Im going...nor where I should be. But for some crazy reason...its okay. Honestly...I feel that is a valid point in my ways. To live life and let it take ahold of you. You can't plan life....you can't plan the lessons you learn. Serving as silent gratuity.. lessons take some time for us' to often realize or even appreciate for that matter. But ...lately I've...been pretty happy.And it feels really good...I feel like I havn't been able to admit that emotion since before Pj passed away. And now all I can say...is dam...I really do miss him.

...Im oddly wondering....if all I have hated or misunderstood in my life and about myself was actually a unaquainted gift in disguise? It seems my problems and flaws are now only saving my life. And my downfalls of what I always contemplated are actually my strengths.Aiding me to become more sane...open minded...and simply growup. Perhaps I've been too busy or even LaZy to see I've been beside myself all along? I feel soo childish to be disappointed or hurt anymore...over such..such pointless things. The highschool-like antics.The ridiculous rumors and ASSumptions.The quickly replacable relationships. Emotions...and people come and go so quickly.

When your down, you never know when your gonna be back up.And when your up, your hoping that day won't come you'll be down again. But the more you listen ...the more you observe and learn about yourself. And some great people are teaching me things...that I can only admit I appreciate.I sit and constantly debate my days and look around at alot of wrong going on in my world....and those who try to convince me of who and how I am. But I just wish they would take a look at themselves before they speak. Im going to refuse this "taste"....of the emotion like I should have to keep convincing you...or you that Im a good person and worth the time.Im NOT convincing or worrying that someone will disagree with every word I've said.Theres nothing to prove is there?

..This is me right now. And...I woke up this morning...and I was still alive... And I couldn't help but grin a smile...this IS my life.

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