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you haunt me
you are haunting me.
i wake to feel you pressed against my skin
startled by the simultaneous knowledge
- i am alone -
i am twenty minutes behind
every hour
of the day
minutes i would have spent kissing you
are simply spent missing you.
there must be a less desperate way to survive
this pain
perhaps if i stand out in the rain
you will
wash away.
i hear the music of my alarm clock
as though it were coming from
a distant, happy place.
i feel trapped in these traces
of you.
the heart inside my chest
feels heavy, and my breath
is laboured and tight.
i wrap myself in cotton sheets
and imagine the sunpatch on my bed
will explode
and fill the room
with light.
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Great piece of work.
I can bug you on only one portion of it
the heart inside my chest
feels heavy, and my breath
maybe
the heart inside my chest heavy
and my breath
you might like better. |
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I am not certain why some feel it necessary to break up a line here, or there; to make it the way ~they~ would have written it. It's not that I object to constructive criticism, that's just the opposite of true... but somehow I felt when I read this piece, and afterward again, so moved by it; this is exactly how you wanted to write this piece. This is exactly how you wanted this piece to go. I believe that the line: "You are haunting me" is just fine; implied or not.
I understand the sensations of emotional haunting; an emptiness which had once been filled by someone before.
You did very well in capturing the power of those emotions, and masterfully may I add.
I look forward to more of your work as you continue writing here.
J. Edward Nolan |
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Comment by: Scribe - 2007-04-10 13:44
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| The passion REALLY came thru here. It puts you in the moment. Lingers. Nice work. |
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Comment by: PANDORA - 2007-04-05 10:25
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there must be a less desperate way to survive
this pain
--I would break up these lines a little more
there must be a less desperate way
to survive
this pain OR leave to survive this pain as one sentence
i am twenty minutes behind
every hour
of the day
--I know the sad reason behind this, but I am ALWAYS fifteen minutes behind each day.
This stanza was my favorite.
You describe hearache very well.
i feel trapped in these traces
of you.
--would break this up--
I feel trapped
in these
traces of you
You describe hearache with great execution of imagery and detailed words choices.
Also, it is not over the top (like some of mine) which is such a good thing.
We know your heart is aching, we know your loss, and we know your hope.
It does not need to get bogged down in too many descriptive words.
I mean how many ways can you say, "I miss you?"
Excellent write.
Hope the suggestions help.
Sheri** |
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This is very emotional piece with some great imagery. Really very nice. SOme suggestions if you don't mind:
Strip first line to just 'haunting me'
the 'you are' is implied and unneeded
Maybe also change the title so it's not repeated so close in the first line.
Possibly cut off the "I 'somethings'" at the begininning of some of your stanzas. Might better the flow. Again, those are implied...of course unless you wanted the repetiton.
Or you can leave it as is, still a strong piece. |
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