Sin, sin, sin.

That's all anyone seems to want to speak to me about: sinning.

Nothing but 'forgive me this'�, or 'I covet my neighbour's wife'�, or 'I may have inadvertently killed someone and tried burying the body about twenty miles from here'�'�

Why should I care? Oh, of course, parish priest and all that. Does anyone care how I feel, reading letters of anguish and torment day after day? It's a good thing I'm a gentle man of God or there'd be Hell to pay, let me tell you.

Best see what you're worried about so I can get back to my gin.

1) If you think it's a sin, then it's a sin. My solution is: stop thinking.
2) If you're confused then buy a bottle of gin. Drink half of it in the morning with breakfast and then consume the rest slowly throughout the remainder of the day. It won't reduce your confusion - but at least you'll worry less about it. It seems to work for me.
3) Lonely and hurting? See above.
4) You're a mother, wife, rock chick and goth? Nope, I have no idea who you are either (do you stand outside during my services?) but I think you need help. There is medication available for the multiple personalities you're exhibiting.
5) You are being selfish and ungrateful. Look at me, I've spent twenty years tirelessly and selflessly helping and advising the people of this parish with words of wisdom and truth. What do I get in return? More heartfelt letters from people in crisis. No sympathy from anyone, just a belief that I can listen to this whiny drivel for the remainder of my life. I assume this is a test of patience, to see if I am worthy of entering the gates to heaven when I die.

Right, that should be more than enough to keep you going. I'm not sure what you expected. Perhaps something like this: 'Child, you have maintained your marriage even though your senses are telling you to flee. There is nothing to fear if you have faith; accept and endure and you will find happiness and peace.'�

There, that's enough. Now, where's that scotch?

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