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horrorren
Ren DeLaCruz
United States, Florida, Stuart

Words: 954
Access: Public
Comments: 6

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The Devils Child-When Strangers Meet

Part One

She sat at the front of the steps as the dark night sky began to cry.
As the rain fell, she could see her breathe in the cold air, it looked as if she were smoking yet her quivering hand held no cigarette.
Her eyes grew colder as the night rain soaked her hair, her brown eyes grew dark as the sky, her arms hugged her small waist as she sat and began to rock her body back and forth gently staring into the night.

'Ma'am! Ma'am!' A mans voice called out.
Her body stopped rocking, yet her eyes never blinked. 'Ma'am!' The man called out once more as he slammed his car door shut and the young man ran towards her.
The young man approached her and held a blanket as he kneeled down in front of her and unfolded the blanket and wrapped it around her, he turned around quickly running back to his car and opening the silver door to the back seat and reaching in only to grab what appeared to be a long skinny stick.
Slamming his car door shut he ran back over to the young woman and raised the rod above her head, giving it a firm shake the top of the stick made a popping noise as the popped open. The man took the umbrella and propped it against the step to cover the young woman from the falling rain.
'Are you OK?' The man asked the young woman placing his hand over her pale hand.
She stared straight ahead as if she were in her own world; never acknowledging the young mans presence. 'Do you live here?' The young man asked glancing up the steps into the dark house.

'They did this.' Her lips whispered.
'What? Who?' The young man said snapping his head towards Cora and responding in a confused and surprised tone.
The woman's eyes blinked slowly and stared into the face of the young man. 'They did this to me!' She said with a harsh tone as her jaw tightened and her arms unwrapped from around her waist and reached for the young man, 'THEY DID THIS TO ME!' Cora shrieked as she suddenly lunged towards the young man sending him staggering backwards in shock.
The young man stopped himself from falling backwards and his eyes grew wide as the women began to sob with her arms reaching out towards him and she began to crawl towards him, his eyes shot open wide as he saw her white t-shirt stained with the dark red liquid. The women sobbed violently 'THEY'.' The woman cried out but her words were cut off when her eyes rolled back and her body went limp, only to have her body smash into the hard concrete.
The young man reached down to the young woman and placed his index and pointer fingers on her neck and felt a pulse.
Feeling her pulse he looked up. His head darted around has he looked for some one to help.
Seeing no one he jumped up and bounded up the steps as if he were flying over them.
The young man's fist pounded on the white door until his fists went numb. 'HELP! I NEED HELP!' The man screamed into the door hoping a light would turn on and the door would open. Yet his pleas went unanswered and the house remained dark and silent.
'Shit!' The man said quietly as he jumped down the steps to check on the young woman who was still passed out. He kneeled in front of her and pulled his cell phone from his pants pocket, he placed his little black cell phone up to his ear and pulled his brown jacket off and bunched it up, he then placed his jacket over her stomach and applied pressure, the young woman let a moan, but still remained unconscious.
'Come on!' The young man said with an impatient tone as he waited for his 911 call to go through, only to hear a loud beep. The young man looked at his cell phone only to see the little black text flashing low battery. 'SHIT!' The young man yelled with panic in his voice.
He placed his phone back in his pocket and combed his fingers through his hair as he thought for a moment.
He glanced around once more for help, but still he saw no one. He then stood up and ran over to his silver car opening up the backseat door.
He then ran back over to the young woman and scooped her small body up in his arms. He carried her limp body over to his car and gently placed her body into the backseat of his silver car.
When he was finished placing her body into the backseat he slammed the car door shut and ran around the front of the car, his blue eyes were wide with fear as he passed in front of the cars headlights.
The young man was to busy getting into his car to notice the young woman's eyes slowly open.
The young man slammed his door shut and started his car up. 'Don't worry you poor thing, I'll get you help. Don't worry. No one will hurt you know.' The man said as he placed his car in drive and the tires screeched as he quickly pulled away.
The young woman lay in the backseat staring at the gray car ceiling; she watched the streetlights as the car raced by them. Slowly a sinister smile grew on her face.
'This will be so much easier than I thought.' The woman thought to herself.

To be continued!

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Comments  
gregoryhall Comment by: gregoryhall - 2007-07-25 08:53
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Very creepy and sounds like we're diving into original territory as well. I have NO idea what's around the corner here and that's always the most fun for a reader.

You have solid hooks in your first chapter too. Never guessed she was hurt, almost dying. Who is she? Who are THEY? And then w/ her last sentence, what is this poor sap dude getting into? Great hooks!

I would go over it one more time to smooth it out. Some repetition that could be edited down "...placed her body in the back seat." "When he finished placing her body in the back seat..." Stuff like that is already said once so you can move on. Tighter the read, the better.

And only other nit picky thing is I wasn't sure if tires could screech on wet pavement. But before I call you on that one, I'll wait until it rains here and actually try it in my neighborhood to be sure!

You've got a fan and I'll be reading the rest of the chapters soon.
Gothica Comment by: Gothica - 2007-05-11 18:38
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This has a good narrative pace to it for the most part. It is fundamentally strong enough to deserve careful proofreading.
LTo Comment by: LTo - 2007-04-19 14:47
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Great opening. Really like it.
leoline28 Comment by: leoline28 - 2007-04-13 08:41
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Great imagery!
DEL Comment by: DEL - 2007-04-07 11:21
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Very well done. You're very descriptive in this story. I will be looking forward to more.
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