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Comment by: mitra - 2008-04-27 07:05
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| Your choice of words are very delicate. I like it. |
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| I enjoyed this one Gavin. I like it when poetry transport me to the image you describe and this one is very successful at that. Good getting to see more of you work. When do we get to see some new stuff? ;-) |
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| I like the tone of the poem.Its simple and brief, but you chose your words well.Very calming beautiful piece. Sasha |
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| This was a very nice little poem Gavin, but I think maybe you should change your title as I did not see any sense of lose or unrequited love in this poem. The last line, although a good one, did not convey any sense of tragedy to the reader. |
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Comment by: Teri - 2007-04-08 19:31
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Very wistful, Gavin. There's a sad feeling here, but it's so delicate. Beautiful.
My only suggestion:
and with your head
in my lap you, sleeping,
possibly even dreaming
of summers and smiles gone by
Feel free to ignore me, but I read it out loud like that, and IMO, the flow seemed a little better. I'm most likely wrong.
Thanks for the read, Gavin. Hope your Easter was wonderful.
Teri xo |
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