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The End of an Incomplete Love Story
A glance in the hallway
A smile that we share
Make you think of my eyes
And the sadness they bare.
You don't know me yet
But you know that you will
If only you knew
How much loving me kills
Time only slows
When you're hurting the most
That clock
On the wall's
Not you friend.
But try to survive
All the memories of lies
I promise it eventually ends
Pull me closer
Let me draw you in
The girl 'cross the classroom you want
Show me your heart
If you're lucky I'll start
To show you the places I haunt
Fall fast, fall hard, fall free
But what makes you feel light
Will plague you at night
When you fall in line with me
Time only slows
When you're hurting the most
That clock
On the wall's
Not you friend.
But try to survive
All the tears that I cried
And the lines I refuse to amend
Tell me a story
Give me a smile
Help me forget
About me for awhile
Lend me your shoulder
And don't question why
It's you who I call
Whenever I cry
I'll laugh at your joke
It's all that you need
But I kiss your cheek
Just to make your heart bleed
I know what I'm doing
And probably its greed
But I can't let you leave me alone.
Time only slows
When you're hurting the most
That clock
On the wall's
Gone insane.
But try to forget
How much I meant
And try to get over the pain.
Time only slows
When you're hurting the most
That clock
On the wall's
Not your friend
I need you more than I should
So it's for your own good
Eventually your heart will mend
It's killing us both
All the lies that I told
And the fact
That you're not
Next to me
But I love you too much
To watch myself crush
Your heart
So I must set you free.
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There's a good rythem and rhyme in this song. I'm going to call it a song because when I read it I can practically hear the music. Seems like it would fit well in the Chemical romance, 30 seconds from Mars catagory, (or something by Dave Grohl).
I really liked the slight alteration of the chorus about the clock. How the intensity increases and tells a story. Imagry is simple and effective. Very well done.
As for nitty gritty, just do a quick spell check run through and you're solid! *Bear should be Bare* Other than that, nice. |
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Comment by: Anne - 2007-07-06 10:17
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I will try to help you. I write in rhyme and I think this poem rhymes and flows well but there is a few sticky bits that I would revise. Lovely piece of writing by the way,
I have read this to myself and out loud and I personally think the only bit I would alter would be the 4th stranza as it does not quite flow as well as the rest. Just the last line and the start of the 5th stranza but you don't have to listen to me . Only being a friend and helping out .
Lovely piece of poetry . Well done
Anne |
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Time seems to be the most prominent factor in your poem/song... I would want to use that in the title, take all the comments here are use what you think works best. Thanks for the read, good work.
~Tony |
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a lot of people are mentioning that some parts let you down, I'm so used to the rhythm in my head that its hard for me to pick those parts out. I'd love if you guys could point out the specific stanzas or lines you're having trouble with so I can fix them.
Thanks for all the comments,
Emma |
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Comment by: - 2007-06-14 15:01
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| I would like to say that parts of it were rough sounding, the flowing kind of halted in places, but, Hey! we all have that problem! Anyways, it was a great poem/song, it reminded me of some one i know..... Great poem overall. |
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