 |
 |
 |
| |
...and how innocence died waiting for the 297
I stand on 9 to 5 feet
and drink designer coffee
from a cardboard cup, which in truth,
is worth more than the coffee itself
and I stand and sip
and watch amongst the dead-eyed currents
a brother/sister team
swoop and giggle and
twist through rows of seats
like kamikaze pilots
as the mother peers silent
with tiger eyes from the horizon
of her own expensive cardboard cup
I continue to stand and sip
and watch the children being children
and I am reminded of nothing
and am moved by nothing
but feel as though I should be
all standing and sipping and watching
the running and laughing duo
unaffected completely
until tiger eyes catch my own
poised with unwarranted accusation
I am then reminded
what it is
I should be moved by
so I do
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-05-07 20:32
|
|
You've painted a full scene here, one that is very familiar, but the words take us away from the everyday and put it into a fresh perspective.
First stanza is great. Sums up today's commercialized life and uses some unique imagery - 9 to 5 feet.
Second stanza is very vibrant, despite the fact it starts with 'stand and sip' - which I think sets up a good juxtaposition that continues throughout. "Dead-eyed currents" "Kamikaze pilots" and "tiger eyes from the horizon" all breathe a ton of life into the piece. I agree with Solaris on the power of tiger eyes, it's a great image.
3rd stanza is what we've become as a society, just watching the action unfold before our eyes, uninvolved but feeling we should be.
Like how it ends, with a movement, with the voice coming to the realization that it is time to get going, so, quite simply he does. Good wrap up. Solid poem.
Happy Writings. |
|
|
I like how you have taken a seemingly common place incident and expressed it so well. What goes on in people's minds is almost always complicated and you have expressed that very well.
Thanks. |
 |
Comment by: mitra - 2007-04-16 08:02
|
|
Jay.. you have a great way of describing those odd emotions that aren't quite named.
Kamikaze pilots bit is perfect. Immediately I see what you see. The movement is a nice match. |
 |
Comment by: solaris - 2007-04-15 01:41
|
|
jagainst - intelligently worded, this strikes me as a young man innocently watching a couple of kids playing - as are others. but 2 things spring to mind. the first, yesterday, was that this guy (assuming) worked in this place and perhaps the parent thought it was his job to speak to the kids about disruption... but that didn't sit right with what i felt underlying this - which was him watching them as one might watch butterflies dancing in a field, or kites in the sky, a distraction from the ennui of commuterdom... not thinking a thing... till he sees the mother is giving him dark looks. and it is HER suspicions of his intentions that shock him into feeling something. she's seeing a guy watching her kids, staring at them almost. following their everymove. and she lets him know she's watching him too.
tiger eyes was a wonderful wonderful choice of words. the imagery it embodies - beyond the sense of tawny heat, beyond the sense of that acute watchfulness, you give us the danger. a protective mother, watching from a distance maybe, but touch her cubs and you are DEAD. there is power in that image. it conjures that basic instinct.
and yet this man is perfectly innocent of what her eyes are near-accusing him of. with the mention of the kids in the second verse, i initially thought the death of innocence referred to them - but now i'm seeing this in quite a different light. he stands accused in her eyes, or at least warned as if he's a pervert out to harm her offspring, yet all he's guilty of is drinking coffee and allowing his eyes to follow the liveliest movements in the 'dead-eyed currents'.
because of understanding that look, the guy (and i'm getting he's not very old himself, i'd say a late teenager works best in my own mind - one who's not long been a child himself) then moves away to stand elsewhere, realising he can't just stand and watch happy kids playing anymore - there is a shift in his own perspective of the world. he's seen it through someone else's eyes.
some exceptional parts in a quite exceptional poem - takes more than one read-through (or at least one with no distractions) to get the best from this but it offers many rewards for the reader. thankyou! |
 |
Comment by: foxfyre - 2007-04-12 19:26
|
|
this is familiar scenario, the supposed everyday and mundane holds so much potential for creativity.
Atlanta airport? why I was just there myself on monday. ugh
especially like the 9 to 5 feet part! |
| 1 2 3 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
