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Out of the Cage
A cage of heat, a burst of sound.
Two blackbirds flew out from
their nest of steel, splitting
the air into cold and hot as
trees and faces whirred past,
smudged expressions that did
not catch on until two long
seconds later, belatedly hearing
the birds' caw that echoed
around circumstance and one
single mistake. Flight plan mapped.
Two blackbirds swooped in on
a larger prey, pushing their
yellow beaks hard and fast
into its skin and spreading
their wings inside, gloried in
the success of their migration,
touching everything they could
and racing in flight to
explode into the sun once more,
shattering the moment.
Free flight to clip another's wings.
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| Intriguement! |
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I dig it. No, really, I'm terrible at critiquing poetry. It is such a personally expressive artform that it is hard for me to say, especially with free verse, fix this or change that. I read poetry to see what I can get out of it (usually what I get out of it is lost) and from this piece I get a sense of ....anger is not really the word I am looking for. Maybe something like morose only less passive, more pro-active. Like Poe's Raven, I get the sense that your blackbirds either are, or symbolize, something else in your life. I don't think that this is a straight narrative of something you saw out the kitchen window.
And I could be totally wrong, I accept that, and claim is as the primary reason I don't often critique poetry. |
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| thanks to everyone who has commented on this poem - i will definitely take everything into consideration and alterations will no doubt be made to this poem soon! thanks, really thanks. x |
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| very well written, strong word usage, and great imagery. my only critiques lie in your choice of a few weaker words that dont express as much as some of your other word choices, flew for instance, also, i found a couple things that made me question. one, is the single mistake something the birds themselves did, or those who kept them in cages and didnt notice until it was too late, secound, i get the secound part but at the very end you say shattering the moment, but how is that shattering and not framing the moment? i find that a little misleading into the theme of what you had written. overall a great read and other than what i had to say about it very good, but if you dislike my critiqur ignore what ive said, if your happy with it that is what truly matters. continue writting, you have great potential. |
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Mercedes,
Strong imagery and great use of stanzas to create two visuals. The only suggestion I can make is perhaps to revisit enjambment. In some of the lines it really enhances the rythmn or meaning. For instance, the enjambment of the first and second lines really conveys the rapid movement, although I agree, the word "flew" does not seem quite strong enough. I try something like "burst". The enjambment of "long/ second" is also very nice since the extended vowel sound and line break both create the kind of tension your image speaks of. At other times, line breaks seem merely convenient for maintaining line length. Very strong poem over all though. |
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