Let me burn
People think they know me well,
The laughter and the butterflies in my eyes,
Beneath the brittle exterior,
Lies the forgotten problems,
Dropping from the midnight stars,
One word from you can crack me,
Shatter and leave me broken on the floor,
In pieces,
Blood leaking,
The feeling ever long.
Not happy enough to be free,
Not miserable enough to cry,
I want an extreme,
This is breathing but not living,
Melody without dance,
Musical notes hang from the ceiling,
Strings cover the floor,
Cracked and frayed,
Gently playing a tune of heaven and hell,
Of blood and wine.
Walls closing in,
Consumed in fake flowers and false smiles,
Longing for the thought of feeling,
The flow of truth,
So excuse me if I burn,
In the embers of my emotions,
Please let me burn one more time,
Just to savour the feeling of infatuation,
So I don't confuse it with love again,
Please let me burn.
Let me burn.
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| I really like this. Especially the second stanza. It speaks to me. Good job with this. |
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Comment by: Apollo - 2007-11-11 23:22
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"Not happy enough to be free,
Not miserable enough to cry,
I want an extreme,
This is breathing but not living,"
I have definitely been there... This poem is fantabulous...
you might want to download some Ammie Mann... all her albums are good... |
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Great work, really strong imagery. I've reworked it for you but please remember this is all suggestion because I found it a little wordy to read aloud. This is all my personal preference, the way you've written it is wonderful also.
They know
the laughter and the butterflies in my eyes,
but beneath the brittle exterior,
lies forgotten problems,
dropping from the midnight stars,
One word; you can crack me.
(Shatter and leave me broken on the floor) Necessary? unsure..
In pieces,
Blood leaking, (can you change blood? It's almost impossible to pull off blood imagery in a poem without sounding angst or cliché)
The feeling ever long. (Reminds me of Foo Fighters- ~Everlong, <3)
Not happy enough to be free,
(Not) miserable enough to cry, (Maybe try 'or' instead of not, when you read it aloud the repetition detracts from the flow)
I want an extreme,
(I'm) breathing but not living,
Melody without dance,
Musical notes hang from the ceiling,
Strings cover the floor,
(Cracked) and frayed, (maybe 'snapped'? You've used cracked before)
Gently playing a tune of heaven and hell,
Of blood and wine. (Love this blood and wine line, is fabfabfab, here you pull off the blood imagery)
Walls closing in,
Consumed in fake flowers and false smiles, (Fake and false.. Maybe change it to 'plastic' and 'glassy' or something of the like, leave something ambiguous for the reader to pick up on)
Longing for the thought of feeling,
The flow of truth,
So excuse me if I burn,
In the embers of my emotions,
Please let me burn one more time, (This line doesn't fit for me, the first time you mention burning you've got attitude, the second time you're apologetic)
Just to savour the feeling of infatuation,
So I donâ??t confuse it with love again,
Please let me burn. (Once again, 'please'? Why are you pleading?)
Let me burn. |
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I know the feeling. "Let me burn." I love what is not said here, if you understand what I'm saying.
The repetition at the end makes this poem, in my view.
I guess the only critique I can offer is that in the beginning when talking about people thinking they know you well, it doesn't seem to tie in with the ultimate purpose of this poem. |
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