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Ani
Ani F
United States, OR, Rogue Valley

Words: 554
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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Fried Eggs and Sam

Sam's footsteps echoed loudly on the gravel, as he walked aimlessly along the wide open roadside; a lone human figure in the early dawn light. The crisp clear air bit into his lungs with disgusting purity at each slicing intake of his breath.

"Gawd Damm! Stupid country living." He'd bet his next retirement check, that his daughter Sally, moving him to the country, would be the final death of him!

And Sam couldn't remember a morning walk ever being so laborious before and so boring. On top of that he wasn't even sure how far he'd come, as the only land markings were wooden fence posts, barbed wire and endless fields of grass.

"Oh no, what is that gawd awful stench!" Sam exclaimed grabbing his nose. Then he's suddenly reminded of the disgusting odor that rose from the fertilizer bags his late wife used to bring back from Lan's.

"Ah Lan's Corner Store", he thought fondly. How he craved for the simple concrete sidewalks, familiar crowded storefronts such as Lans', the Bookworm and his favorite haunt, Mel's Diner; where he was always able to find an old coot like himself having a hot cup of Joe.

Still grumbling about his situation, Sam took in a deep mind breath that started a jog down memory lane. "Mel's Diner", Sam thought to himself and instantly remembered the smells he was so fond of: fried eggs and burnt coffee, wafting out of the kitchen along the air belt of dishwasher steam; which always seemed to greet him before he even rounded the corner. Even this mixed in with the less than pleasant sulfur fumes from passing vehicles, still brought back home sweet home to Sam.

Suddenly coming out of his jog down memory lane, Sam realized the sidewalks of any concrete jungle probably spews forth a similar stench, whether you're in New York City or Honolulu. It was simply 'city smells'; all melded together, in close proximity, and having no where else to go.

Out here in the country there was only air, and more air, and cow dung. Sam wrinkled his nose up as now he realized that is exactly what he smelled. So absorbed in this thought, he was startled when he saw Sally's truck pull up beside him.

"Dad," she says, "Jump in. I want to take you to breakfast!"

"Where?" Sam grumbles.

"Just down the way, at the local diner. It's not far."

Sam looked back the way from where he'd come and then at Sally. "Ok, I'll let ya. I was tired of walking anyway", he says as he walked around and got in the truck.

"I'll think you'll like it Dad." Sally smiles as she switched the truck into gear. "It's a lot like Mel's"

"Hmmm". Sam looked out the window as Sally drove down the road. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. But if its a diner, he'd bet his next retirement check that they'd have fried eggs, a nice cup of Joe and maybe another old coot like him. "Hmmm".

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Comments  
DavidHe Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2007-11-11 18:56
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Ani, you write a very good story. It seems that you have relected your mind to your readers! Is it a true story? Would you please come to read my story and giv me some suggestions? Looking forward to hearing from you.
thorgilbloodaxe Comment by: thorgilbloodaxe - 2007-11-06 09:22
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we have a diner in our small town, where all the "old coots" hang out in the morning. I n fact, every one has their own seats at the horseshoe.

I enjoyed it, wish there was more to it.
csfastweb Comment by: csfastweb - 2007-04-16 20:03
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"He bet his next retirement check that moving him to the country, by his daughter Sally, would be the final death of him." Suggest: "He bet his next retirement check that moving to the country, nearer to his daughter Sally, would be the death of him." It just reads clearer, I think.

"Sam exclaimed grabbing his nose. Then he's reminded of the disgusting odor that rose from the fertilizer bags..." here I would suggest "grabbing his nose, remminded of..." The "then he's" part is sketchy.

"took in a deep mind breath that started" interesting phrasing. I love it.

"Sam realized the sidewalks of any concrete jungle probably spews forth a similar stench" suggest revising this to say clearer what you want to say.

"walked around" walks...

"It's a lot like Mel's" if you're going to mention this, there should be a reference to it earlier in the piece so that we understand it better.

"But if its a diner" it's

"check that they'd have fried eggs and nice cup of Joe and maybe some old coot like him." they'll have an "old coot like him"? That's how it reads...

Good rewrite, but I still think it needs more work.
Gothica Comment by: Gothica - 2007-04-16 08:23
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"...the airbelt of dishwasher steam;" struck me as a particularly fresh metaphor. Psychologists say that odours are what often bring back the most vivid memories and I've found that to be true. It is unusual to read of a rich environment of smells such as you have created here. Good for you.
Michael987 Comment by: Michael987 - 2007-04-16 00:29
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Nice rewrite, much more steady pace than the first, I really got the feel for Sam this time and how he missed city life. I am a bumpkin, myself. I have always lived in small towns. I don't think i could miss a city after living this way so long. Wonderful story.
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