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the long walk
along the frontier
the sun beats me
sweat drips from my brow
onto my burnt face
sliding the length of my long body
to quench the thirst of the desert ground
dusk descends upon me
to hear the coyote
cry my name in the night
air that i breathe quietly
to not awaken la migra
that haunts my every thought
but cannot drain my imagination
and cannot drain my fortitude
and the noise of my walk is poverty
it drags behind me whispering
the names of those who cannot come
the names of those who have come before me
with me, i bring my labor and my life
because my pride is in my work
and my work is my life
it is all i have
and, it is all I can offer
my new country'�
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-06-15 13:31
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| wow. beautiful, powerful diction and imagery. however, the second line doesn't really do anything for me; maybe "the sun beats me". |
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Comment by: zepol - 2007-05-02 07:53
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I want to thank all of you for helping me with this poem. I had a vision but it wasn't complete without your input.
Hulshizer, I just see the struggle and try to cut a piece of art out of it. Some of the poetry you people write is so beautiful; I feel honored to have some of you read and comment on my work. |
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that I work upon
dusk descends (upon me)
(to) hear the coyote
cry my name in the night" Drop 'upon me' as you ended the line above it with upon, and change 'to' to 'I'?
This was a well done poem, and I will keep my opinion of 'illegals' to myself. |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-04-30 17:09
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Solid poem, I can feel the heat and hardship coming from the lines. The first stanza sets the tone for the rest, expels oppression. And I like the imagery in the second stanza, connecting the voice to the earth, the desert. Don't think you need last line of:
"that i walk upon" - it feels unnecessary and readily implied by the rest of the stanza.
Really enjoyed the double entendre with 'coyote' in the 3rd stanza. But should 'la immigra' be 'la migra' - that's how I've usually heard it colloquially, and might want to consider italicizing that.
"and the noise of my walk is poverty
it drags behind me whispering
the names of those who cannot come
the names of those who have come before me" - Great, great stanza. It is haunting. First two lines are beautiful in their gravity, and the last two really speak for the generations who preceded this voice.
And the last stanza brings with a message of hope, one that is appropriate for the poem. After the trial of reading the hard messages preceding these lines, it is uplifting to see the words:
"... it is all I can offer/
my new country" - it is a good message.
Happy Writings. |
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Beautiful sentiments expressed in equally beautiful words. I like the images you have used.
"sweat drips from my brow
onto my burnt face
sliding the length of my long body
to quench the thirst of the desert ground
that i walk upon"
Wonderful!
Thanks for sharing |
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