writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
brad19
Bradley J. Brett
Australia, NSW, Penrith, Sydney

Words: 997
Access: Public
Comments: 13

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




With Tired Hearts, They Slept ©

With Tired Hearts, They Slept
By Bradley Brett


They had always been friends.

There were no doubts in mind where their loyalties lay. I suppose this, was probably why the first blow had created the first cancer which soon spread. They had always been friends, yet that summer, everything would change.

In a manner of speaking, everybody grows up with a friend who will last a lifetime ' or so we would all hope. Yet as cruel as life is, we find ourselves on many paths throughout our discoursing life. For Jaime, he always believed that Rosa would be his one and only friend until the end. Yet, then again, maybe it was the end.

As he rushed Rosa's fragile life through the front door, he felt the chill of death, whose malignant touch caressed Rosa's pale skin. It was never meant to be this way. It was only yesterday that they shared an ice-cream by the bay. It was only two days after they had finished school. It was the weeks were they would finally step into adulthood. Yet with adulthood, comes responsibility ' something which they so unpretentiously decided to avoid for a moment of heavenly and supposed passionate bliss. Rosa's vibrant golden hair now lay in fray, all colours dispersing as her eyes fluttered with images of her life before.

It was the push that did it.

He had found the evidence quite clear, smudge marks on the coffee mug, red stains in the bathroom sink. Purple blotches of skin ' pains within her fragile bones. Jaime knew what was happening in that home. Rosa's own House of Horrors.

When Jaime found her, she had tears in her eyes. Wiping blood from the surface of her facade, a clear hack on her forehead; what had been going on in this house? Was it so deviant that blood must be spilt? Though Jaime needed no explanation. It was Him, whose monstrous hands and jealous eyes intended the crime in which he lay wasted on Rosa's frail state.

When this is over, will we still be friends?

The roar of sirens awoke Rosa in her bed. What had happened, what had truly happened in the mind of this so ignorant child? Yet Rosa understood the ramifications of the actions taken against her. He had hit her; He had hurt her beyond words. He was her monster under the bed.

A rage of unknown solitude, and the 'crime of passion' ' yet was that all this was? A crime of passion? If it was, then what is passion and what is the line that should not be crossed?

Jaime had been her best friend since they started primary school. She knew he could rely on him when this was all over. She just knew. He had been there for her, in the darkest of times, yet she remained frightened, this was truly the darkest of dark times.

The winds scattered leaves in the parking lot. Watching from her hospital room, an open window opened doorways into her mind as she tried to escape the horror of her life. This wouldn't end. She knew that the moment He had hit her. Her pursed lips trembled, a moment to succumb the beating her of frightened heart. Jaime had held her in his arms, never to let her go. The soft scent of boyish aftershave lingered on her skin, his aroma kept her safe that night. As if he never truly left her bedside; then again, did he ever leave?

I would do anything for you. For always.

Jaime sat in the hospital room, waiting for Rosa to awake from her nightmares. Yet what were nightmares when you had experienced one outside a dream? Would they become insignificant if the person truly saw the horrors of humanity? Jaime knew however, that he was always there for Rosa, and always would be. As much as their friendship blossomed, he loved her. The way she kept composure in the hardest of times, the way she pursed those full and luscious lips, the way her golden hair curled around her ears where dimples appeared in her rosy cheeks. Yes, Jaime knew that he truly loved Rosa, and would do anything for her.

Returning to Rosa's home, Jaime inspected the destruction which stung his limbs and caused his eyes to burn with hatred and tears of fright. Picture frames were broken, shattered glass broken like the memories that Rosa had once held of her precious 'love'�. Luckily for Jaime, Rosa's Love must have taken off ' no sign of him, or his putrid smell could be sensed among the ruins of Rosa's once perfect home. Her parent's went away for the weekend, Jaime feared for what he must tell them whenever he could reach them.

There is only one thing left to say. I love you.

Jaime returned to the hospital, holding Rosa in his warm arms. Her spirit may have been beaten, yet Rosa kept her head high. Not once, had she wept for the fact that her Love had beaten her. Not once, had she let her fear overcome her senses. She was strong, so Jaime knew; he must also be strong ' if not for himself, then for her sake. With tired hearts, they slept.

Will our friendship last when you find the truth?

Jaime never understood why Rosa had given in, or what truly happened that night; he hadn't realized till this day, as Spider dug into the dirt mound out the back. She had been scared, and it was her fear that chose her path, that led her to love the fear of the unknown. Jaime also knew that is wasn't Rosa's blood she had been wiping. It had been his, the man who had hurt her, the man she had buried in the back yard. The man who stole her spirit.

With tired eyes, and tired hearts, they slept.

The End

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
GLWard Comment by: GLWard - 2007-07-24 18:11
Add to Readers
      
This is an engaging story, and I loved the ending. Most of what I could suggest has already been mentioned. There are also a couple spelling mistakes, which I can't seem to find at the moment.

I would suggest you try cutting down on the passive voice, just a little. Reread it, aloud if it helps.

Anyway, great job.
csfastweb Comment by: csfastweb - 2007-05-29 08:51
Add to Readers
      
"I suppose this, was probably why the first blow had created the first cancer which soon spread" This line doesn't make too much sense. I can't determine whether we're talking about body cancer or cancer to the relationship. Also, I would omit the comma.

I would omit the very first, "They had always been friends." if you are going to use it in the second para. Also, maybe say "They were always friends." It's more direct.

"For Jaime, he always believed that Rosa" instead, "Jamie always believed that..."

I'm getting the feeling that you write very beat-around-the-bush. That can be good, but it also gets tiring. I suggest writing a little more direct and connecting the thoughts of what is going on (near the beginning).

It seems to me like you're saying a lot but going nowhere. I don't understand the character or what's going on. Was she beat? That seems pretty obvious. Focus on that, instead of what Jamie is thinking. That will get it somewhere.
Kerosene Comment by: Kerosene - 2007-05-21 10:12
Add to Readers
      
Excellent story and well told, I must say. I really dug the ending.

Suggestions, take them if they work for ya:

"They had always been friends." - this is repeated in the first paragraph, and I think the first one is unneeded. Just my opinion.

"It was only yesterday that they [had] shared..."

"Wiping blood from the surface of her facade, a clear hack on her forehead;" - hack is an interesting word to use, but it seems awkward here. Hack is more like the swinging motion rather than a gouge.

Good place to change this from the Passive voice to the Active voice: "Returning to Rosaâ??s home, Jaime inspected the destruction which stung his limbs and caused his eyes to burn with hatred and tears of fright." - to "Returning to Rosaâ??s home, Jaime inspected the destruction, stinging his limbs, and burning his eyes with hatred." - dropping the tears of fright.

john
dvida001 Comment by: dvida001 - 2007-05-20 20:57
Add to Readers
      
Very eerie story. I did not see the ending coming at all and I also enjoyed the use of "fascade" to describe her face in relation to this revelation. It was a little hard to follow at times with all the hes and hers, especially with the mystery HE that is Rosa's lover. I thought that perhaps this HE would turn out to be Jaime but I was wrong. If you intended this to be a Red Herring to lead the reader on, it was effective. If not, you might consider giving Rosa's lover a name to make the story more readable. I had trouble getting into it in the first lines because I had no idea who or what "they" were. I would suggest starting off the story with names just to bring the reader right in. I also thought there were several redundant sections: "he loved her. The way she kept composure in the hardest of times, the way she pursed those full and luscious lips, the way her golden hair curled around her ears where dimples appeared in her rosy cheeks. Yes, Jaime knew that he truly loved Rosa, and would do anything for her." It is passages like this that beat the reader over the head and seem somewhat cliche. The more you tell the reader Jaime loves her, the less it seems to matter. Trust your readers to pick this up from Jaime's actions to care for Rosa.
diagonal Comment by: diagonal - 2007-05-20 18:48
Add to Readers
      
comfortably creepy and enjoyable read. Thanks
1 2 3 Next

Sponsored Ads


By brad19

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S