'Nice car Moz' I said
'Do you like it?' Moz smiled 'You can have it after, if you want.'
That's Moz, generous to a fault. He's always giving things like brand new BMWs away. The trouble is the police always turn up, next day, and snatch 'em back..
Just lately, it seems that everything Moz touches goes horribly wrong. You expect a bit of bad luck, from time to time, but with Moz there's nothing else ' you've never known anybody have such rotten luck as him.
'Where'd you nick it?' I asked as we spun round the island and headed back along the high road
' That private clinic on Ashmore Street.'
' Yeah,' I said ' the car park always full posh cars ' I expect they belong to the doctors.'
'I know,' Moz said 'the greedy bastards, they make millions adjusting rich tarts tits instead of seeing to ordinary people.'
He's a bit of a philosopher, our Moz, but not what you'd call an academic. None of us at Susan Smeeton's are, if you want to know the truth. No, we are more of your look for an opportunity and exploit it type. Not that much in the way of an opportunity has ever come my way, apart from the odd open window or three.
'Hang on a tick ' I need some fags.' Moz said. He slid the big motor in between a white delivery van and a battered old Mondeo, outside the newsagent's shop.
'You've left it running.' I said as he got out.
'Runs quiet though donnit.' he said and went on into the shop.
I thought about getting out and vamoosing before things got hairy ' you could never tell what stroke Moz was likely to pull next
A minute or two later he came out of the shop carrying a brown paper bag,
'Present for you.' he smiled chucking the bag at me.
'Chocolates! - Did you really buy chocolates for me, Moz?'
'Yeah ' well I had to distract him a bit while I scooped the fags up ' didn't I?'
'Thanks.' I murmured
'Don't mention it,' Moz grinned 'robbing bastard charged me three ninety nine ' they're only three twenty in Asda.'
'I shouldn't shop there again, Moz, if I were you.' I said tongue in cheek
He looked at me and shrugged
'I know,' he said 'but I like to encourage the little man. The supermarket's have got too much power, don't you think.'
'I do, look how they've barred you, for a start.'
' Bastards.' He muttered
It was at this point that plod, in his Panda Car, spotted us,
'Hang on.' Moz yelled and stamped on the gas pedal.
The tyres screamed and we were away, Plod was left standing.
'Left here.' Moz said and took the corner like Schumacher in a hurry at Monza.
'It's a cut through.' he grinned.
It was, but nobody had told him that Bob the Builder had dug a big hole in the middle of the road. Unfortunately, BMWs prefer solid road under their feet and tend to fall over if you try and get them to fly.
When I came to, Sergeant Ratface was slapping my face
'Come on Spez,' he kept saying ' we know you're not dead.'
'Gerroff!' I yelled
'There you are,' Ratface said to his buddy, Grundy ' didn't I tell you he was pretending and just when I was enjoying slapping his kisser.'
'Turn your pockets out, let's see what else you've nicked.' Grundy said
I chucked my wallet and mobile onto the ground.
'That's all folks,' I told them 'It's come to a pretty past when a law abiding citizen can't go about his business without the law putting dirty great elephant traps in his path.'
'Snack him in the mouth sergeant, before I do.' Grundy snarled
'Who was driving, son?' Ratface asked and then I realised Moz had got clear.
'Never seen him before. This geezer was just giving me a lift, that's all'
'Oh Yeah, as if anybody would let a scumbag like you anywhere near a car of this class' Grundy said nastily
'He was a little bloke' I chirped
'Make out a missing person report,' Ratface sighed. Grundy grinned and took out his note book
'How little?' he asked
I held my hand out, about three feet off the ground
Ratface looked 'Was he a dwarf?' he asked
'No ' taller than that'
'Was there anything else, about him?' Grundy asked
'Yeah! He had a funny walk.'
'What like Basil Fawlty ?'
'Yeah sort of foreign. You know what I mean.'
'Did he do the goose step or something?' I could tell Grundy was getting pissed off now
'No but it was definitely a foreign walk' I'm thinking: good old Moz your luck might have changed , at last. You'll be miles away by now.
'What you got then, Grundy?' Ratface asked pointing to the note book
'He says the driver was a tall dwarf that walks with a foreign accent'
We all started to laugh and then my mobile went off
Ratface picked it up, smiled and passed it to Grundy. Grundy looked at me with a twinkle in his good eye, 'This foreign dwarf has just texted you' he said ever so sweetly 'He's waiting for you outside McDonalds.'

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