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KimBarclay
Kim Barclay
United States, Pennsylvania, Trafford

Words: 529
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Painless

Sweat slid from her brow as Andrea jogged along the morning twilight-dark street, marking her progress as she passed from one pool of light to the next until she reached the intersection of 12th Street and Main where she had to wait for the light. She stopped moving forward but still jogged in place, pressing her right index and middle fingers to her neck, counting each rhythmic thud against her fingertips while she waited, making sure her heart rate was where it should be.

The light changed. She moved to continue, but the person shambling up to the far corner brought her up short. He, she, Andrea couldn't tell which in the dark because the person wasn't...normal, the movements weren't indicative of either sex, but whatever it was, the person moved with what seemed like exaggerated effort, stumbling over its feet like a drunkard, weaving, keeping its head bowed toward the ground. When the person was halfway through the intersection Andrea shivered, realizing that all the bells and whistles were going off inside her head and that she needed to go before the person made it all the way across the street. She turned and slammed into what felt like a cushioned wall. It grabbed her. She screamed.

"Ugh!" he said. His fingers dug into her biceps and Andrea looked up into his face while attempting to step backward, out of his grasp. Her eyes grew wide with disbelief.

"Robby?" she asked. She stood there mesmerized at the sight of her two weeks dead son standing in front of her but reeling from the cloyingly sweet stench of him. He stared at her and she stared back into his cataract eyes. A white maggot squirmed from between jagged, broken teeth and out over his mottled, blackened lips, but Andrea never saw what happened to it. Robby pulled her to him, dipping his head toward her like he was going to kiss her but he met a lower mark, cutting short his mother's screams as, with his strong jaw and jagged teeth, he bit through her neck, seizing her trachea, tearing a gaping hole in it. Hands grabbed her from behind, teeth sunk into the base of her skull, and she knew who they belonged to.

This isn't happening! She told herself over and over again in her mind. They're dead! Her son and his wife, their two children, they were all dead. The kids had been torn apart, mauled to beyond recognition. Robby and Jackie had been torn up to a lesser extent but they had still been shredded slowly, much of them eaten while they were still alive. Investigators claimed that wild, rabid dogs did it, yeah, right! Andrea put two and two together now.

They dropped her droopy, rag doll body to the ground between them. She couldn't move, but she could still see. They bit into her arms and tore ragged strips of flesh from her legs. She wondered how long it would take to bleed to death and was glad that it was painless, as she had always prayed her death would be.

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Comments  
alandane Comment by: alandane - 2007-06-26 18:00
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I loved the story... but... was her death really painless? Having your throat ripped out sounds kinda ouchy! Of course, I always enjoy a good zombie story. Keep them coming!

~Dane
Gothica Comment by: Gothica - 2007-04-29 12:26
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I enjoyed the story. You use beautifully grim detail.
Boonrassi Comment by: Boonrassi - 2007-04-26 10:40
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hiya Kim..

Sweat slid from her brow as Andrea jogged along the morning (twilight-dark)

#little awkward.

street, marking her progress as she passed from one pool of light to the next until she reached the intersection of 12th Street and Main where she (had to wait) for the light.
##stopped for the light

She (stopped moving forward) but still jogged in place,
##she jogged in place.

pressing her right index and middle fingers to her neck, counting each rhythmic thud against her fingertips (while she waited), making sure her heart rate was where it should be.
##this one is tough to explain. it goes on to long, it should be 2 sentences and shouldn't really start with 'pressing' it's like... the verb is just too early in the sentence to control all that stuff after it. its a really common thing among us amateurs. its an awkward sentence structue.
'while she waited' is not needed.

The light changed. She moved to continue, but the person shambling up to the far corner brought her up short.
##...but someone shambled up to her, blocked her.
keep it simple

He, she, Andrea couldn't tell which in the dark because the person wasn't...normal, the movements weren't indicative of either sex, (but whatever it was,) the person moved with (what seemed like) exaggerated effort, stumbling (over its feet) like a drunkard, weaving, (keeping its) head bowed toward the ground.
#look at all those words that can be chopped.
stumbling over its feet is redundant. thats what stumbling means..

When the person was halfway through the intersection Andrea shivered,
it stood in the intersection and andrea..

realizing that all the bells and whistles were going off inside her head and that she needed to go before the person made it all the way across the street.
##bells and whistles is.. strange. that phrase means 'haveing all the options'.
simplify.
shes terified, she wants to flee.
throw a thesaurus at some of those words.

She turned and slammed into (what felt like) a cushioned wall. It grabbed her. She screamed.
##gotta avoid these soft, qualifying clauses. you do it alot here.
keep visuals concrete.

She screamed.
#good.

"Ugh!" he said. His fingers dug into her biceps and Andrea looked up into his face (while attempting) to step backward, out of his grasp.
#same deal with the weak clauses.
stepped back, tried to break his grip.
Her eyes grew wide with disbelief.

"Robby?" she asked. She stood there mesmerized at the sight of her (two weeks) dead son standing in front of her but reeling from the cloyingly sweet stench of him.
#awkward.

A white maggot squirmed from between jagged, broken teeth and (out) over his mottled, blackened lips, but Andrea never saw what happened to it. Robby pulled her to him, dipping
##dipped
really really really try to avoid so many gerunds. 'ing' words. your pumpin to many out.
his head toward her like he was going to kiss her but he met a lower mark, cutting short his
#cut short...
mother's screams as, with his strong jaw and jagged teeth, he bit through her neck, seizing her trachea, tearing a gaping hole in it.
seized her... tore a gaping hole.

Hands grabbed her from behind, teeth sunk into the base of her skull, and she knew who they belonged to.
#good.

This isn't happening! She told herself over and over again in her mind. They're dead! Her son and his wife, their two children, they were all dead. The kids had been torn apart, mauled to beyond recognition. Robby and Jackie had been torn up to a lesser extent but they had still been shredded slowly, much of them eaten while they were still alive. Investigators claimed that wild, rabid dogs did it, yeah, right! Andrea put two and two together now.

They dropped her droopy, rag doll body to the ground between them. She couldn't move, but she could still see. They bit into her arms and tore ragged strips of flesh from her legs.
#good.
She wondered how long it would take to bleed to death and was glad that it was painless, as she had always prayed her death would be.
#a would and 2 wases in the last sentence don't make it.
rewrite with nothing but subject and verbs.
good story,
best,
T
Endlesswinter00 Comment by: Endlesswinter00 - 2007-04-24 21:27
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Wow... I always thought that i was a morbid writer. i've defenetely been done. I'll refrain from mentioning that it's an um... (what's the word) genre piece (?), only because that's not normally what i'm into. But what you do have here is a good piece of writing considering the length and subject.
loved the begining paragraph, especially about "pool of light". very cool.
Only change that i'd recomend would be to try to throw something new in, something that the reader has never seen before, because we've all seen zombies eat people. I want something that completely knocks me off my feet. the whole idea of it being her son is a start, but see where you can go from there.
great work overall though.
-BAK-

"Pool of light"
storyspinner Comment by: storyspinner - 2007-04-24 20:50
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You've done a lot with relatively few words...You've got some awkward phrasing - "She stood there mesmerized at the sight of her two weeks dead son standing in front of her but reeling from the cloyingly sweet stench of him." - but over all a shivery good time.
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By KimBarclay

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