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I am just wasting your time
acting like everything's fine
your just too nice to say it
My lips moves in silence
lessons of patient violence
so you don't have to hear me
say
Please stay
make the pain go away
do not
add
to it
If you leave I am lost
why does love always cost
leaves us in puddles of mud
our mouths full of tar
tear drops saved in a jar
just to have you near me
I know my place
from that look on your face
it is only a matter of time
before I become
just another
in a long, long line
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Parts of this poem work well. Because of the subject matter, you have to work hard to keep it original. The 'tears in a jar' is a nice image, one that lingers. I am listing below a few small things that are keeping it from being even better:
You don't need the last line of the first two stanzas. They are implied. You don't need "don't add to it either". It is also implied.
There is a ? after 'Why does love always cost?'. The way it is now...it sounds like it costs you leaves. Also you need a , after 'If you leave' in Stanza four.
I'd drop the 'leaves us in puddles...etc' to a seperate stanza. It really is a seperate thought.
"I know my place
from that look on your face
it is only a matter of time
before I become
just another
in a long, long line"
The look on ones face...could say too much... i simply despise the look of rejection...What have I done to send such a message?....Too powerful... it's straight and forced.. I love it.. You say whats on your mind...You cut the bush down....And walked straight to the point....And mine?... this poem proves your gift...thank you....
