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work till you fall headfirst into the grave
work till your eyelids droop
work till you cease to exist
work till you bleed
toil till you can't toil no more
work until the capitalist pig gets his fix
work under the sun and get a golden tan
hard lines lean sinewy physique
sunken cheeks and sunblasted skin
dig with a jack hammer and get rectal perforation
i am getting claustrophobic working in a an elevator
i want to win the rat race. Success of the metaphorical rodent is imminent. But the capitalist pig still prevail because there is no such thing as a capitalist rat.
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I really don't care about the long line. it actually gives `character/ punch to your work. You are well versed with imagery and you intertwined an everyday phenomenon with humor ....that leaves the reader pondering. Keep up the good work
Some really great imagery going on here - "sunken cheeks and sunblasted skin" The funniest line that keeps me laughing - "dig with a jackhammer and get rectal perforation." Wow! Yikes!
Consider- cutting that one longgggggg line in half.
Good movement. Your craft is precise.
"sunken cheeks and sunblasted skin
dig with a jack hammer and get rectal perforation
i am getting claustrophobic working in a an elevator"
Stuff like this, is really good and unusual.
I like the specificity of this poem. It shows, in my opinion, the right sort of scope for the level of poem.
Nicely done.
