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Yes, this thing is rich with imagery, and I like how it shifts gradually to that heavier feeling towards the middle. I particularly like the fact that the angel of peace has dusty wings. It's implication of her absence from the rest of the world is quite strong, and wonder if you really need the two lines 'Where has she gone?' and 'And I wonder where has she goneâ?¦'
Perhaps it would work just as well without them...
Shoulders bare and light of burden
Sure steps moving in forward motion
Thoughts tuned to the day ahead
And a new sun rises
Warm and red
Overheadâ?¦
A lumbering angel of peace
Has spread her dusty wings
And flown
Covering the sage in serenity
Dazzling the pines with calm
Whilst the rest of the world wondersâ?¦
Blue eyes blink blood shot
And blink again
A river of tears flows round the bend
Beyond the static the signals clear
Desert winds howl with fear...
Just a suggestion to a nicely crafted poem. Enjoyed this very much. |
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| This was an interesting read. It has an apocolyptic feel -- not in the imminent disaster sense (though there seems a little of that), but in the prophetic/Biblical sense. The images seem heavy and like puzzle pieces. I get a feeling of unfocused pain. It seems like the speaker been enlightened (in the Buddha sense), but is still experiencing worldly pain. Thanks for the original read. I especially like the mantra feel of the second to last stanza. |
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| Thank you very much for your feedback. This one's close to my heart. |
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| This has a wondeful flow to it. Very beautiful and heartfelt. Yoiu have created some fantastic imagery in this piece. |
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Comment by: roy - 2007-04-27 02:27
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A very beautiful poem, Kel, the way you have brokern up the stanza'a and the individual meaning to each is phenominal. I like the way you have presented this poem. It is very warm as well.
Thanks for the read.
Roy |
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