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We Saw No Moon At All
"Wanna share a smoke?"
I sighed dramatically. Sharing a smoke means sharing a lifeline. Sharing even a miniscule amount of this nicotine-filled tube of dead plant and chemicals could potentially be the end of a romance.
You suck too hard, you blow too soft.
You sloppily moisten the filter, and you crush the butt all wrong...
"I suppose."
We walked, no, we sauntered to the porch. Neither of us were really wanting, fully, to leave the grand pattern of cushions laid out on the floor that were surrounded by glass paraphernalia and ziplock bags of more dead plants but,
we went.
Outside there was a Chinook wind whistling. The moon was out in full bloom, much like our relationship.
It's scary that sometimes you can tell when things are as good as they're ever gonna be.
Our cigarette lasts exactly 4 minutes.
No talking or frenzied ashing took place during those quiet moments, which for once, we enjoyed.
Back inside our comfort levels, now dangerously spiked, evened out.
We crawled into bed, side by side. We laid like two fifty-five year olds, all exhaustion and satisfaction.
Tomorrow night, as we watch the moon melt into a waning gibbons phase
We may feel our amour pass by as well.
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| I love the tone of this - poetic yet wry. A little thing that offers up so much. Really enjoyed it, can't wait for what will come next... |
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There is an interesting atmosphere here--probably because the speaker is recollecting some moments of contemplation that occurred while stoned. That is why that lackadasical voice of the poem is so effective.
There are some lucid moments in this piece where the MC has those soft realizations like: "Itâ??s scary that sometimes you can tell when things are as good as they're ever gonna be."--but, we often march on with our lovers even knowing that things will only pale and fade from there. Simple human nature to cling to comfort even knowing that passion is lost.
There is an almost mechanical sense of two characters maneuvering through their actions with a robotic sense of purpose. THis is achieved through your clinical descriptions of how they walked and interacted and the "nicotine-filled tube..."
Good stuff. I can see how this piece of prose could be transferred into a free-verse poem.. It would take a little work to choreograph into single lines, but would sharpen the blow.
Just a suggestion. |
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| I liked the understated weight of this. You've captured the cigarette moment - why are they ever present during both the good and the bad. I enjoyed this a lot. |
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Comment by: zepol - 2007-04-28 20:01
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| There is no need to repeat what Juan said. I did find, "Back inside our comfort levels, now dangerously spiked, evened out." a little confusing. I love the way you write. I will read more when time permits. Try a taste of mine. peace |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-04-28 19:39
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The mood of this piece is good. Sort of flippant, what happens, happens, and it may or may not make an impact on my life and just because I'm into you it doesn't mean anything... not yet, at least. That's the vibe I'm getting.
Some really solid descriptions here...
"Chinook wind whistling" - great with the Chinook, very regional and not everyone may connect with the word, but it is absolutely appropriate for the mood, excellent diction there, haven't seen a descrip. like that in many pieces...
"Our cigarette lasts exactly 4 minutes" - dunno why exactly, but I love this sentence - so direct it fits in with the mood of the rest of the writing... I guess I do know why I like it.
You've got some weird paragraph breaks in the piece ("we went."), which I don't usually like too much - more of a poetic device. But it is prose and acceptable for the piece, though in a short story I think such breaks would have to be used more effectively in order to fly. That's not to say it isn't effective here as the 'we went' paragraph definitely highlights that action, but it just doesn't seem critical enough to the scene as a whole to justify such a technique if it were a 'short story' - but in prose, the rules seem to bend much more easily and since it is a scene described here, I like it.
Title is cool and it's what brought me into the prose. Most things nature seem to strike my interest and a moonless night is no different. Glad to see it's presence by the end of the piece.
"Back inside our comfort levels, now dangerously spiked, evened out." - This is the only line that didn't really agree with me; it seems to say two things at once - either comfort levels are still 'spiked' or they <i>were</i> spiked and now they've leveled off - can't be both.
All in all an atmospheric piece. Good scene for a prose, would love to see this kind of description set up for a short story, too. Keep up the uploads.
Happy Writings. |
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