writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
brad19
Bradley J. Brett
Australia, NSW, Penrith, Sydney

Words: 910
Access: Public
Comments: 14

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Dusk & Summer ©

by
Bradley Brett



Everybody's racing now, don't you hear their laughter as they frolic amongst the reeds, with the sound of water wading at their feet. It is a beautiful sound, of merriment and wonder. The skies burn like fire, streams of orange and reds, which overlook the waters edge; and if by breathing, the water is taken aback, only to be released from its lock, washing upon the sandy shore.

Cranes fly above us, soaring on soft air currents which caress our cheeks and soothe our weary souls. At this point in time, nothing else mattered but the time we had with each other; and when the birds flew, that meant only one thing. One thing which could be heard in the enjoyment of the children as they played, splashing cold bursts of water from their hands, wetting the nearest target, who in a squeal of embarrassment and revenge, would fire back in reprimand.

There is a boy, who sits in the corner, underneath the large acacia tree; their beautiful yellow blossoms radiating by the brilliance of the sunset sitting along the horizon. Unlike the other children, he remains in solemn silence, eyes closed and mind escaping into another world. A world unlike his own, where the only thing which truly mattered was that he could be himself.

Like wings, his dreams rapture his miniature body, into the bright sunlight of dusk, he escapes. The voices of the others drown out in the sweet sonata ringing in his ears. It is beautiful. So beautiful. The soft wind surges over his facade, his hair in fray and lips dry and cracked.

Sickly fingers place themselves on his shoulder and he feels the shudder of what's to come. The secret, which stains his tongue, a bad taste in which in is unable to remove. Everything is subtle; he knew it couldn't always be like this, yet with the pants of his begotten heart, the boy feels himself slipping.

The boy's mother stands on the edge of the water; its salty fragrance hitting her face is soft pellets of spray. Her tresses fell across her forehead, for the love for her children seemed endless. She spies her son, sitting by the acacia, and a tear glistens in her emerald eyes.

Everybody knows it will happen. They knew before they could even recognize it. Yet something tugged at their own conscience bodies. Was it fate, or the longing of false hope? He had stolen their hearts, now he, was going to steal his.

Yet as they frolicked amongst the ocean, the final day of summer seemed endless. It was going to end, it had to. Autumn was around the corner, and soon, everything would slowly change in the currents of longing.

Next to the boy, sat a young girl. Her golden hair captured the brilliance of the sun. She held him in her arms, never letting him go from their sweet embrace. It was meant to be forever. Just the two of them, always together under the setting sun. From the tangle of waves they saw the fins rising and descending into the dark depths. The youngest of children laughed and giggled, the mesmerizing currents leading to a brilliant crescendo. It raised, the single whisper of love and beauty, capturing their hearts, their love and their innocence. Yet as the children grew in happiness, the young boy remained silent, her beautiful arms touching his solemn body; and his soul.

The smell of the barbeque stained the air. The boy's father stood, with sizzling sausages and steaks, the scent touching their tongues; mouth's watering to the tip. He watched his wife, the beautiful figure who danced upon the shoreline. To stay like this, was the only thing he ever needed.

Yet he saw his son, among the trees and shrubbery, crying himself to sleep. They were all floating on air, just living in the moment. His son hid amongst the bushes, watching the ocean himself, wishing to break free like the waves as they reached for the sky, their icy fingers clasping to the setting sun.

The sausages smoldered, smoke rising into the already flaming sky. The clouds surrounded the sun, like rising ash, and roaring fires asunder, the skies brilliance was unlike any they had seen. Never in memory were they to see a sky so captivating, so escaping. Yet the boy among the acacia's knew. The boy knew he would be leaving on the eve of autumns love, as it tainted the sky. He loved them all with a pure heart, and just as summer was leaving, so was he.

The girl embraced him for the final time as his soul ebbed like the washing tide. His brilliant blues shut, his love vanishing amongst the currents which remained visceral around their bodies. With a whisper, he was gone. The girl kissed his forehead, her tears streaking her cheeks as the cries from the boy's mother shattered the perfect visage.

As the boy left them, so did she, and with her outstretched arms, she would embrace him forever. For they were one, and would always be. And as they frolicked amongst the ebbing tide, they knew very well, that their brother was gone. Yet even though they knew it to be inevitable, their hearts had never remained so heavy; and as the cranes flew above their heads, they swore they reached for the heavens.

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
yugohoshi Comment by: yugohoshi - 2007-10-19 10:01
Add to Readers
      
Cloudstreet? I reccomend David Malouf to you, he employs this sort of writing as well. It's a challenging genre (if u could call it that) but you took a good shot at it. You grasped the secret of this style - writing straight from the heart without showing evidence of editting. Good work.
However.. though I don't want to be like Mark, among good feedback - but, no 'touchdown' for me (from idol - we're both aussies here.) This form of writing, is unfortunately not for all tastes, and so maybe its just me, but I sense something missing. A certain level of emotion, or a tempo, something specially inspirational - a real wow factor. Or maybe its late and im just in a bad mood.
I dunno. you should probably let it be (after the various editting), it's obviously popular and you know what you want to say.
I'll definitely read more of your work in future, and encourage more stories like this, because they REALLY are good, and i know you'll keep improving.
never fear a challenge,
sincerely, Yugo.
Juan2 Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-10-14 18:29
Add to Readers
      
The story is indeed full of images. You write them cleary and they come to represent clear pictures in the mind of the reader. There are a few structural and grammar elements you may want to address before sending this out, though:

"...don't you hear...wading at their feet(.)" - needs a question mark.

"...orange and reds(, which) overlook the waters edge..." - think you can edit out the comma and 'which,' they feel unnecessary... one of those words that inhibit an image, rather than strengthening it.

"...and if by breathing, the water is taken aback, only to be released from its lock, washing upon the sandy shore." - had some trouble with this one. You introduce an 'if' statement, but don't give us the 'then' part to conclude it. By breathing, is the water taken aback, then released upon the shore--or is it taken aback, released from its lock onto the shore and then something else happens that's missing? Just needs a little clarification.

"At this point (in time,) nothing else mattered but the time..." - rep. of 'time' is jarring. Maybe just eliminate 'in time' to enhance flow, or change one of the uses.

"...wetting the nearest target, who(,) in a squeal of embarrassment..." - needs comma after 'who'

"Like wings, his dreams rapture his miniature body(;) into the bright sunlight of dusk, he escapes." - you're connecting two complete sentences so a semi-colon is more appropriate.

"...a bad taste in which (in is) unable to remove." - oops, not sure what this was supposed to say.

"Yet something tugged at their own (conscience) bodies." - Do you mean 'conscious'

"He had stolen their hearts, now he(,) was going to steal his." - don't need the comma after 'he'

"...her beautful arms touching his solemn body(;) and his soul." - My understanding of semi-colons is they are used to connect a series of phrases (like in the first paragraph) or they connect two complete sentences referring to a similar subject. Since 'and his soul' isn't a complete sentence, I think a dash would be more better.

"...mouth(')s watering to the tip." - don't need the apostrophe

"To stay like this(,) was the only thing he ever needed." - don't need the comma

"...and roaring fires asunder, the (skies) brilliance was unlike any..." - skies should be sky's. Also, as a style note, you use 'sky' twice in close proximity. May I suggest trimming the sentence a little, maybe as: '...and roaring fires asunder, a brilliance unlike any they had seen.' Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore.

"And as they frolicked amongst the ebbing tide, they knew very well(, that) their brother was gone." - don't need the comma. Also, somebody wise once told me to eliminate 'that' as much as possible in one's writing. I think you have the opportunity to do so here.

The story is a little too image heavy for my tastes, not quite enough of a concrete plot, but it's well-received here so there is definitely an audience for the piece. I do like the pictures you conjure, though. They involve some skilled writing. With a little bit of clean-up, I think you'd have an even better piece.

happy writings.
brad19 Comment by: brad19 - 2007-09-21 17:16
Add to Readers
      
Thanks for your comments. This is one of my favourites that I've written in my lonely years of school. So glad you liked it.
Merrily Me Comment by: Merrily Me - 2007-09-20 21:33
Add to Readers
      
This is the most image evoking, descriptive and poetic piece I've read in a long time. (You've inspired me to improve my writing skills!) I was a bit confused at the begining when you mentioned the air currents that "soothe our weary souls," and it wasn't until I got nearer to the end that I understood what you meant. It had seemed out of place after you described children laughing and enjoying themselves, but I'm guessing that they had weary souls because of the sorrow they knew was coming. My favorite element is the cranes; I really enjoyed how you used them to bring the story full circle.
Thank you for your commet, and again, fantastic job!
Frances Comment by: Frances - 2007-06-19 02:33
Add to Readers
      
I am just blown away! I cannot believe that one so young can write with such feeling. Perfect structure and fantastic imagery. You captured such emotion and feeling here and portrayed it flawlessly to the reader.
Frances.
1 2 3 Next

Sponsored Ads


By brad19

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S