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The Awakening (Chapter 1)
(THIS TAKES PLACE 117 YEARS AFTER THE PROLOGUE)
The creature awoke.
Confused by sudden consciousness, every passing moment brought a new experience, a tingling of awareness followed by the flash of a first-thought. With a slow blink of its reptilian eyes, the creature experienced its first physical sensation'
Darkness.
Not the darkness that exists in places where only the mind sees, but the darkness that manifests from the ability to see. The creature shivered as an icy breeze glided over its thick, scaled skin.
Time passed.
The threshold between death and where this new universe began seemed distorted, like a flickering candle just at the edge of awareness.
Time passed.
The creature peered through blurred vision at a solid wall of stone. A sensation of cool dirt pressed into its folded wings.
Shrouded in a mist of metaphysical uncertainty, it was trapped in the threshold between life and the darkness that came before.
Time passed.
Then came breath. Its massive chest rose and fell in a slow steady rhythm. Each wheezing inhalation was long and drawn, forcing oxygen into its stagnant cells, infusing its body with the energy of new life. Each exhalation expelled the remnants of its death in clouds of decayed air. Each breath built a growing sensation of strength that forced cool blood through its body.
The pulse of life started to beat and the creature's brain flashed electric pulses which immediately awakened a powerful instinctual urge.
Hunger!
The creature bolted upright. The stiffness of its body stubbornly resisted every movement, fought painfully against even the smallest flex. Overcoming blurred vision and spiking pains, the creature disregarded the mystery of its origin. Only this one, powerful sensation overshadowed all of its other pains. Nothing else existed save only this one desire, one overshadowing need: the instinct to devour, to feed; anything to sate the hunger.
The creature leapt into the open night through the mouth of a deep cave. Long, sinewy wings extended in a crackling of protest as the creature launched into the starry night'a black silhouette ripping through the backdrop of an already dark sky.
Drawn by its need to consume and exhilarated by the ecstasy of the hunt, the creature first sensed, then saw, a small pinpoint of light in the distance.
Surrounding the light was the somehow familiar sweet-stink of humans. The scent recognition triggered a maddened frenzy within the creature's mind.
The creature shrieked and flew with growing speed as a single-minded primeval determination set in. The scent intensified as it drew closer to the light causing its mouth to fill with saliva and mucin. The anticipation bordered madness.
As the campfire came into visual focus, the creature knew with certitude that its own genesis had occurred.
With an involuntary shudder, it narrowed its wings and angled down in approach.
Copyright © 2006 by Jeffrey A Brooker
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| I liked this. Initially I didn't like the interjected words but then suddenly I got it and started liking that. I read them as the essence of what the creature was feeling and experiencing. I also liked the fact that you continued to call it "the creature" - it was very reminiscent of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" (the original version, not the bastardized movie versions.) Nice job. |
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| A wonderful approach to writing. So many just tell a story, and I think you are beyond that point. Perhaps you are looking to broaden he scope of what a writer can be capable of. Maybe, or maybe that is just reflective of my own path. I do believe that as the story expands so will comprehensions of your need to emphasize "the creature" and "time passed." You have an incredible ability to be short and brief and still allow for needed detail, but you are not overzealous with explanation, leaving an element of mystery and a doorway for escape in a readers mind. So many writers forget about the power of obscurity, although there are readers out there who wish to know everything right away. Personally as a writer, I think you have the ability to create anxiety in your audience as they wonder in the back of the minds why things were repeated in such a fashion. Even if its unintentional, it could create a whole new level within your work. Perhaps this is the poetic quality within your work. Personally it's been a long time since I have found a refreshing angle, and a refreshing style in writing. It can be seen in many ways. It's beautiful and I hope to read more. |
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Comment by: - 2007-05-25 23:46
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| It reminded me of Kafka's Metamorphosis. What happens next? |
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Comment by: fox3333 - 2007-05-22 05:55
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Liked this. Sounds like a good opening to a fun monster story. It was almost poetic at one point.
The continuous use of the words "the creature" distracted me a bit from the great details though. I know you probably wanted to emphasize that, but I think just "it" would be less distracting and perhaps even more mysterious. |
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| this story was very well written. i liked the description. and unlike chrispavey, i thought the repetition of "the creature" was good. it allows the reader to dig deep into his own thoughts and complete the story with however he pleases. calling it just "the creature" sets free bounderies so the reader may imagine it to look as he pleases and so would not be dissapointed, perhaps, by the strict description the writer gives out. very good story. |
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