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Wrong
It's cold today, colder than it has been in months, years maybe. Or maybe it's just me and my pathetic self, all alone in this so called home. There are a million things running through my mind, today has been horrible, and though thinking doesn't make it better, I'm thinking. Two days ago, I was almost happy; almost because I had found someone who wanted me for me, almost because I had a boyfriend, almost because I knew it wouldn't go right. A night ago, he went out for a drive. Went out because I told him that we would never be together. I guess I'm compelled to break my own heart. He crashed his car purposely. Told me he had to total it. I blame myself for all of this, I do. He is alive, maybe not well, but he'll live.
Notes:
I know I have horrible, terrible grammar. Critique away :]
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I like it. It starts out as self-pitying, but by the last sentence it's sort of cool and detached. And don't take that as criticism, because I mean it as a compliment -- it's an interesting transition.
PS: Your grammar is fine. If you're worried about the run-on sentences, I saw them as more stylistic than ungramatical. I also liked the line "and though thinking doesn't make it better, I'm thinking." |
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where's the terrible grammar? maybe i have horrible grammar too? ^^'
cool, really -realistic- or whatever you would call it. it sounds natural and smooth |
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Comment by: tcbswan - 2007-05-04 23:14
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hummm! love this dialogue, really a 'talk' the narrator has with herself. i love the way you've just cut in right in the middle of everything, in the midst of all this action, and here we are listening in. very nice.
i'll leave the grammar stuff to the grammer experts--i'd drop the last line, "But that night was the worst night of all." It felt as if it ended with "but he'll live."
one other suggestion--the structure for this sentence that begins with "Two days ago..."
my suggestion:
"Two days ago, I was almost happy; almost because I had found someone who wanted me for me, almost because I had a boyfriend, almost because I knew it wouldn't go right."
GREAT sentence by the way and great read. thanks for posting!
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