Hello....God?

I've been thinking today about how it all might have been. The hours that passed by were full of mind travels and emotional scavenger hunts. It's not like I didn't understand her, and it's not like I didn't want to be with her, but she only wanted me...the way she wanted me.

I left. She stayed. I buy magazines and papers now, just for the chance that I might see her face. I listen to the radio just to hear the song, any song, that will make me feel like the night she stayed in my arms, under a midnight sky back in the hills of Oklahoma, or was it Kansas, or Denver?

I'm gone now. She, I'm sure, is still there. Wish to speak with her about love. The love that doesn't die. The love that I still got. The love that must have ended years ago for her. She's the reason why. She's my reason why.

Where might we be? What might be going on?

Dust fell upon our love God, crop circles formed in our hearts. Her love spun me around, I wish for that again. Busy streets stopped as we crossed, holding hands. The games of hide and seek we played, always looking for the way. We found it, but sadly, those oily spots discovered by myself were lacking sensitivity.

I won't catch her. I would try, but I would never be able to grasp on, watching my words as she cries, deciding again, to stop the beat of her heart. People would watch the lovers quarrel in the courtyard with amusement, temptation, fright, lust, shame and fear.

And I sit, 1,000 miles away God, worrying about the song that I'm trying to write for her just to let her know that if she wanted, I'd be right there by her side, to hold her head up out of the toliet like I used to. Or maybe she held mine. This guitar isn't gonna pay the bills forever God, but if it could, wouldn't that be something.

If your rain can make it grow, if your sun can raise the hearts God, why is this happening? I can't play this game anymore. I have stowed away my love. She needs to be here. I need to be there. Sweeping sensitivities blinded me years ago on the day I cut my throat with the staple. What would she say? One more shot. It's all I think about, the love, and her with my heart in her hands.

I still hold her notes and listen to the word's spill from her mouth. Watching reruns of Saturday Night Live on an old fold out couch, followed by a lick of her thigh. Thinking over and over and over and over and over about how it might have been, how it should have been, how it will never be. It's sad.

What am I gonna do God? Keep on keepin' on? Stop traffic with a hop, skip and a jump? Follow Red Rover, Red Rover as Freddy is sent over? Jack Flash ain't jumpin' anymore and those Saint's ain't Marching In any day soon without her.

She can stay. I'll leave, again. I wish her the best to fix the mangled heart I've left her. Please, hear me God, don't let her change her mind anymore, it will only lead to another heart breaking episode in her life. It's got to die, she and I.

I still hear her voice over mine God, as I look into the eyes she left behind in the mirror. She always said she loved my eyes. I loved her everything. I think. I will search the world to find her. Just to hold her. Kiss her. To show how responsible I'm not. To not let go until she tells me to.

As I stand on the stage, with all eyes on me, I see her in the crowd smiling at me God, singing along with the words from my soul, dancing about the beaches, without her actually being there. All without me at her side. Is it because I didn't know enough or because I knew too much God? Probably both.

The time of her life, I hope for her God. I have no more advice to give her. You blessed her soul with perfection and grace. She was, is and always will be, in control of this mess I call a heart God. All my heros are gone and I wanna be like them. It always looked like fun to do this, but it was a blatant lie I continue to tell myself to this day.

You're crazy; I tell myself. I'm probably right. I'm certain I am. Yeah. Just to hold her hand, a true breath, a great greedy gasp in the coolness of the night, without words, I'd fade away. In shadows and circles, I live my life. She counted down, I didn't launch, it was a fair warning. So faded, I am. So dark...and worn...and faded.

She will never know that I'm faded because of her love. The love she never even knew was there. The love she denied herself to feel. Strangers scream "I love you." Panties and bra's are tossed. Drinks bought. I miss her.

Maybe she knew all along, the way it was to eventually be. I feel she may have. Strange. Faded lover of the shadows, dancing in the neon stars, a tryst in the lobby of the Hilton? Thoughts of her crawl into my head everyday. Now, like the cockroaches that yell they love me, she really hates me. Please, don't let me hurt her anymore. Make her hate me in silence. Please, I beg you God, her hate, don't let me see it, feel it or hear it.

All the compliments for this or that, don't get me to my final destination. Please, see what's good for her God, and make her let go completely. No more chances, I will only devastate her again.

All the things I couldn't/wouldn't do for her have caught up to me. And it is good that they have. I finally can see that I wasn't the man that I thought I was. She won't be my wife, I, not her husband. No baby boys showered with love. No Christmas trees. No carved pumpkins. Without cranberry sauce and a canned ham.

Love. Love. Love. Love.

When JC, shined light on the subject, while nailed to that tree, nobody took it seriously. Gamblers of life and fate, we musicians are. I'll put it down. Send her back home to me so she can tell me she hates me. I'll know she doesn't mean it. Unless, of course, this time...she finally does.

Thanks for taking the time to listen God.

Amen.

Want to comment on this Poetry? Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...