Chapter One
Our Family Structures
'You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.'�
- Desmond Tutu, South African cleric and activist
We are all part of families, whether biological or created through other ways. Although our parents may be lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT), we have many of the same experiences as teens with straight parents. We eat dinner together (or not), we get grounded for dumb stuff, and we roll our eyes at the dorky look of pride on our parents' faces when we accomplish our goals. Our families have different racial, ethnic and religious backgrounds. We live all over the globe, from big cities to small, rural areas. Did you know that there are at least two million people in this country that have one or more LGBT parents? Some of our parents are CEOs of big companies and rocker chicks while others are social workers or stay at-home parents.
People tend to lump all 'gay'� families into one big boat, assuming that we are all the same. That can't be further from the truth. On the inside, our families can be made up quite differently from one another. Some of us are raised by a single parent, two parents or more. A few kids with LGBT parents are living in blended families, where they suddenly have stepsiblings because their parents have moved in together. Some of us came into our families by way of artificial insemination or were adopted by parents of a different race. All of our family experiences are unique and should be validated, whether similar to other families or vastly different. In this chapter, we will discuss common family structures and challenges. Know that if your family make-up or experience isn't discussed in this chapter, it is still extremely valuable and you will be invited to share your family experience at the end of this chapter.
Two-Parent Homes
The majority of the teens interviewed for this book are from two parent households. Keith* , age 13, used to live with his African-American mom and Italian-American father. Then his biological parents divorced. Now, Keith lives with his mother and his mom's partner. He has two moms and his dad.
Will, age 18 was adopted by his two dads, but they separated and now, Will's dad has another partner. Technically, he has three dads because he has a relationship with and is being raised by all three of them. Natasha, age 10, lives in a blended family and has two moms and five siblings. Two of her siblings are her biological siblings and the other three siblings were born to her second mom. All of our families have little things that make them special. Living with both parents can be great, but it also comes with unique challenges.
More Visibility: A Tricky Challenge for Kids in Two-Parent Homes
Youth living in two-parent LGBT homes are more visible than children in single-parent homes. Therefore, they often get asked a lot of questions about their families. Some questions are fine, but some are rude, inappropriate or unfair. Xavier, age 15, lives in California and gets questioned all of the time about his two mothers and the absence of his father. 'People kept bugging me about the other woman in the car. I'd reply, 'That's my other mom.' I'm open with all of my friends about my moms. It happened after I attended COLAGE meetings and realized there's nothing wrong with my family. I shouldn't be concealing this, it's my family.'� Xavier is also asked about the lack of a father figure in his home. 'I would get irritated because my friends would ask me about the whereabouts of my father because I had two moms, but they'd never ask my other friend about his father when his mom was single. I think they ask because of curiosity and the unusualness of having two gay parents.'� Being more visible is a great thing, but it can be a challenge for those with both parents in the home.
Single Parent Homes
The popularity of children's books such as Heather Has Two Mommies (Newman, L.) and Antonio's Card (Gonzalez, R.) can misguide us into believing that all children growing up in LGBT households are from two-parent households. Did you know that almost 30% of children under age 18 live with a single parent? Of those children living with a single parent: 38% live with a divorced parent, 35% live with a never married parent, 19% are with a separated parent, 4% are with a widowed parent and 4% are with a parent whose spouse lives elsewhere because of business or some other reason. Being raised by a single parent can prove difficult, but many of our families are handling these challenges successfully.
Single By Choice
Some of our parents are single by choice. For example, Chris, a 45-year old pediatrician and an amazing father of a two-year-old girl is trying his hand at single parenting. He has been with his daughter since she was two days old. Chris came out later in life at age 30, but unlike many single LGBT individuals, he did not give up hope about having a family of his own. He didn't wait around for a partner in order for him to accept the responsibility to parent a child in need of a loving home.
Helena, age 24, was raised in California by a single mom. They were poor and moved often while she was growing up, but her mother made sure that she always went to the best private schools available. Helena has a very close relationship with her mother and describes her as an amazing and dedicated Peace Corps hippie that encouraged her to be independent and tolerant of others. Helena's mom has been 'out'� since the seventies and she has always known her mom as a single, lesbian mother. Her mother was single by choice, getting pregnant by her male high school sweetheart at age 29 for the sole purpose of having a child, not to get married to him.
Invisibility: A Challenge for Kids in Single-Parent Homes
Youth in single LGBT parents have to deal with the normal struggles of single parenting such as dealing with a single income. However, some youth in single LGBT households have the luxury of being invisible because the fact that the parent is gay isn't always obvious to outsiders. The positive side is that single LGBT households can be shielded from housing discrimination, overtly intolerant or nosey neighbors and teasing from other children. However, being closeted about our families is not always healthy.
Aylesha and Chris live in a single-parent family. Aylesha, age 12, and Chris, age 15, are African-American children with a White, single, adoptive father. Since their father is single and there are few LGBT indicators in the home (i.e. rainbow flags, gay magazines, LGBT refrigerator magnets, artistic nude drawings of the same gender, etc.), many of their friends and neighbors have no clue that their dad is gay. Some of the children interviewed would prefer to keep it this way.
Aylesha doesn't tell the majority of her friends about having a gay father and doesn't know how she would feel if more of her friends found out. Her older brother, Chris, an avid year-round basketball player, seems to be more decisive and has thought through this potential area of conflict. Where Chris told a few of his elementary school friends about his gay father, he made a conscious choice not to come out to his high school friends and teammates. 'I think that they may take it in a negative way or think that I am gay. I don't want them to eyeball my dad, so I don't tell them to avoid confrontation.'�
Although single parent households can offer a layer of protection that wouldn't have been available without outright lying about your family make-up, the downside is that being in a single-parent home can unintentionally keep a family closeted. We have to be careful that we don't use our parent's single status to keep us in hiding and secrecy. What do we need to hide for?
Heterosexual Divorce
Some of our parents were in heterosexual relationships and then divorced. Some of these divorces occurred when we were young and sometimes they do not occur until we are adults and out of the home. Divorce and break-ups can be difficult for children with LGBT parents. It often leaves us feeling torn, sad, and frustrated.
In the summer 2001 'Speak Out'� section of the COLAGE Just For Us Newsletter, an anonymous teen spoke about her parent's divorce. 'My parents divorced after 23 years and only stayed together one last year after my dad came out to my mother. This year, it was necessary to tie up loose ends and sell the family business, etc. I never would have wanted them to stay married for our sake, because my mom and dad's happiness is much more important to me than having a 'normal' family. I would rather they be divorced and happy, than together and miserable, even if it means more trouble for me.'� Some youth are relieved that their parents are divorced because their parents can be who they are and live more honestly.
LGBT Parent Break-Ups
Some of our parents have never been in heterosexual marriages, but we still experience divorce-like break-ups from our same-sex parents. Jamie, age 18, has gone through her parent's rough break-up. 'Gay parent break-ups are just as detrimental to the kids as heterosexual breakups. People don't understand that. When they leave, there is a hole in your life . . . whether that's for better or worse is up to you, but there's still emptiness. It consumes your life at first until you can overcome it and rebuild,'� Jamie says. Her mom and her partner broke up several times and it was difficult each time for Jamie and her partner's teenage daughter.
Some youth have been through more than one parent's break-up. This was the case for Emily, from Massachusetts, who experienced two break-ups while growing up. 'My mom (I was born through donor insemination) broke up with her partner who had been my other parent from the time I was born until I was four. I don't remember it very well, but I went through a phase where I misbehaved for a short time. Two years ago my mom and her partner of 7 years, who also adopted me through second parent adoption, also broke up. We all still live together, but they are no longer partners. I dealt with it then by talking to other COLAGE youth who had gone through similar situations. They gave me advice and helped me feel better. It is really a matter of coming to terms with it yourself. My parents don't fight nearly as much now, which has been better for all of us. Don't forget, your parents are there to help you deal. They don't want you to be hurt and they really want to be there for you. It is the same for kids whose parents get divorced. They go through the same feelings. If you can talk to a friend whose parents divorced, they will also be able to help you through the pain of parent break-ups.'�
Although some break-ups are messier than others, you can still process the situation in a positive manner. 'I did not like my mom's ex-girlfriend, but I saw how hard the break-up was for her [my mom]. I would just say always be there for your parents and comfort them,'� shares Elizabeth, age 16. Many teens, with the help of their parents, have been able to keep parental divorce and break-ups in perspective. 'My parents' break up was for the better and luckily, I understood that when it happened. I was able to continue having a better relationship with both of my mothers after the split up,'� says Carmen Leah, age 22. If you are angry or confused, you should talk to your parents about your feelings. You have a right to your opinions and feelings. You also have a right to answers (although they might not be the answers you want to hear). Chelsia, 28-year old daughter of a bisexual parent, gives good advice when she says, 'There is no correct way to deal with the separation of parents. Whatever feelings you may have about a separation are perfectly fine to experience. Feel all your emotions to any extent that you need. Talk about it for as long as you need to. Talk to both of your parents as much as you can. Take your time.'� Break-ups can be rough, but with patience, communication and understanding, you can get through the separation of your family.
Adoptive Parents
Many LGBT individuals and couples are taking advantage of the opportunity to become parents and to provide a loving, nurturing home to thousands of children in the foster care system. Did you know that 18% of the individuals interviewed for this book are from adoptive families? All of the adopted teens that I spoke to about being adopted have had very good experiences within LGBT homes and love their adoptive parents very much. They were happy to be adopted and cared very little about whether their parent was gay or not. Of course, there may have been challenges in the beginning, as with any adoption or new living situation, but no one reported that they wished their parents were 'straight.'� Some of the initial challenges included adjusting to a new home environment, not having access to their biological family or individuals from their racial background, and realizing that their parents were 'different'� either because they were gay or of another race. One of the things that I observed during my interviews is that the majority of the adopted youth were part of interracial families, also called transracial adoptions.
Transracial Adoptions
Transracial adoption is when the person being adopted has a different racial background than the adoptive parents. Some people have protested against transracial adoptions, saying that adoption by parents of another race might harm the cultural development of children, leaving them confused about their identity, unknowledgeable of their cultural ancestry and ill-prepared for racial issues. Strong arguments have been made on each side of the debate, but few of these voices come from within the home, by the very people living these interracial family experiences.
Will, age 18, found himself in foster care at the age of three. He does not know his birth parents, but identifies as African-American. He spent part of his life in a New York group home until he was adopted by one of the White male social workers that had known and cared for him since he entered foster care. His father, Tim and co-parent, Jeff adopted Will at age eight. They raised him together for years, even after their breakup, where Will went back and forth between homes. Realizing how hard that was on Will, his parents made the selfless decision to move into one house together during his formative years. For Will, having a White, gay father is a non-issue. 'Regardless of whether he is gay or White or not, I love him. He took me in when I had no one. Before anyone came to the house, I would say, 'My dads are gay, if you have a problem with it, you can leave. Most of them didn't have a problem with it.'�
Hope, age 18, also lives in an interracial family. She identifies as Hispanic and Black and was adopted as a baby by her two dads, one being Italian and the other being of Jewish, Polish, and Russian heritage. Hope feels like her main challenge was dealing with having same-sex parents in a homophobic society. 'Race was always second to the fact that I had gay parents. Having two gay dads was the primary issue because that's what society looked at first. In high school, that's when I started to question how my racial background relates to my own identity and to who I am as a person.'� Every person's experience and challenges are different.
Common Challenges in Transracial Families
Arlene Istar Lev is a Jewish social worker, family therapist, educator, and author of The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide and Transgender Emergence. Arlene is also an amazing parent. She has written a lot about the challenges of transracial adoption, overcoming racial/cultural boundaries and general parenting issues. Arlene and her partner have a nine-year old African-American son and a four-year old bi-racial son.
In her essay, No Place Like Home, Arlene shares how some of her black friends dealt with their discomfort regarding her adoption of a Black child. They began to avoid her calls, distancing themselves from her and her new family, rejecting the role of 'black role model,'� refusing to be in Arlene's life and the life of her child(ren). 'That black children can and should be raised within their own communities is, to me, obvious. That the African-American community should be furious at the racist system that perpetuates the destruction of its families is also obvious. However, the rejection by African-American activists of black children being raised in white homes is unconscionable. . . . the reality is that many black children are being raised in white homes, and to turn their backs on these families is to condemn African-American children to the very white-bread existence that they feared for these children.'� Arlene points out a serious issue within the transracial adoption community and this situation can be applied to other interracial homes as well.
Parents in transracial families must be prepared to deal with the challenges that come along with raising children of a different race and that can include, but are not limited to: understanding cultural differences; caring for different hair textures; creating culturally-based support networks for children; acknowledging and teaching about racism, sexism, and other oppressions; understanding present day cultural and racial dynamics; acknowledgement of White privilege; and the effects of cultural isolation on minority youth. Cultural isolation was one of the topics that came up several times, so I'd like to discuss it more.
Cultural Isolation in Transracial Families
Some parents are raising their children in predominantly White areas and do not realize that although they may think that some of these areas may be 'safer'� and/or have better school systems, minority children sometimes pay a cultural cost by being placed in those situations. 'Transracially adopted children do not have the advantage of learning about their birth culture through everyday cues and bits of knowledge, assimilated almost unconsciously over years, as in single-race families,'� says Jana Wolff, author of Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother. Several children interviewed discussed feelings of 'disappointment'� and 'frustration'� that their parents would isolate them in such a manner and that they had no access to other children or family members of a similar racial and cultural background.
Most of these teens also expressed a strong interest in having same-race role models and supports in their daily lives, whether they are teachers, mentors, family members, family friends, or coaches. Chris shared that his culturally-similar role models are limited where he lives. He cited professional basketball player, Amare Stoudamire, as a role model because they play the same position, but admitted, 'I don't have many support outside of my [White] dad. I feel like I may need some Black males supports. A Black teacher would be good. Yeah.'�
However, many of these same children reported that they didn't share these feelings with their White parents because they didn't want to hurt their feelings or make a big deal out of it. Although your parents may be a little hurt or offended, they will probably understand your need to reach out to individuals with racial and cultural similarities. Saying that race does not matter is simply not true. One of the worst things you can do is ignore that race, ethnicity and culture has a significant impact on your development. It is natural to want to explore who you are and define yourself.
It becomes harder for a parent to know your needs if you don't communicate them. If you have opinions about how you can become more well-rounded and well-adjusted, tell your parents about it. They will love you regardless and want you to be the best person you are capable of being. Whether you are adopted, from single-parent home or living with two parents, your experience is unique. You may fit into several of these categories at different times in your life or live in a different family structure altogether. And it's all good. What I hope that you will gain from this chapter is that we all have similarities and differences and we all have challenges at times. It's normal and is the essence of family ' some things may change, but the love is the same. Please share your own family experiences by answering the questions below.
Mi Familia
How is your family made-up and who are the players (feel free to include parents or siblings that do not live with you)?
How do you feel that living in an LGBT family has affected you?
What are the challenges you face in your family?
What do you think your family should do to solve or improve those challenges?
What is the best thing about your family?
What does your family taste, smell or feel like (be creative and use the first thing that comes to your mind)?
What would you tell the world about your family if you could?
Regardless of your family make-up, what matters is how you are treated and whether there is love, respect and a sense of safety in the home. Also, let's not buy into the myth of the 'perfect family.'� Sometimes we feel as if everyone is watching us and there is pressure to be perfect in an imperfect world. Some of our parents try to make us 'perfect'� kids to make sure that no one has anything negative to say about gay parenting. Don't get caught up in that. We will do things that make us seem imperfect and that's because we are. Know that you and your parents will make mistakes just like everybody else and it has nothing to do with having an LGBT parent.
The many teens I've met over the years have been quite different from each other. Some are theater buffs, honor roll students and cheerleaders. Others are hip-hop heads, soccer players, and video game freaks. On the outside, most of us look picture perfect. However, teens in LGBT families have challenges just like everyone else. Some of us do not like having a gay parent. Some of us have parents living with HIV or AIDS. Some of us are living in poverty. Some of us are on meds. Some of us will get crappy grades. Nobody is perfect. You can only be you, so be the best you can be and forgive yourself if you miss the mark.
In addition, some of our parents struggle with the same issues as some hetero parents: like drug abuse, unemployment, discrimination, depression, and other societal problems. No family is perfect and no parent is perfect either. We all have family challenges mixed in with family fun. So let's try to be honest with ourselves, our parents and others, working together to help our families exist with integrity, pride and honor.


Our Voices
What advice do you have for other youth growing up with an LGBT parent?
My advice would be to try to understand that it might be a shock to find out that a parent is gay, and it might be hard to accept. You need to give yourself time to come to terms with it. It's not always something that can be dealt with quickly. Taking time to adjust to the situation might be more beneficial in the long run, and give you more time to deal with your feelings. If possible, talk to your parents/siblings/friends about it, as they may be able to offer advice or comfort.
Hannah, 19
Stay strong and try not to care what others think. Keith, 13
Love your parents no matter what anyone says. Angelica, 24
If you want to tell your friends about having a gay parent and they talk about you, then they're not really good friends and you need to find better ones. Aylesha, 12
Don't let anyone intimidate you. You have to know who you are as a person. Alexis, 11




CULTURE
By Cara Cerise, 16
My culture is LGBT.
My dad is gay, and he is a huge part of me.
He has raised my younger sister and me since I was four.
His courageousness and strength, I truly adore.
Some people say my feminine influence is way to low;
But my dad and my cultural experiences help me to mature and grow.
I remember our first experience at pride.
How could I forget?
The protesters yelling, 'All fags must die.'�
My little sister was so scared; she couldn't even open one eye.
We got through this experience clinging to my father's arm.
He always supports us and protects us from harm.
I love him with an extreme passion.
He's amazing and also has a great sense of fashion.
My Culture makes up who I have turned out to be.
I hope one day hate will be demolished and our souls will be free.

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