Roberto was an insubstantial psychiatrist who lived in the back of the closet. He'd lived there for the past nine years or so, scrunched in among fuzzy slippers, clothes hangers, and old notebooks. Well, as much as someone insubstantial could be scrunched. He hated being stuck in the closet. He wasn't alone; he shared his living space with an insubstantial homicidal maniac named Frederick. But Frederick never really said much. He was too busy plotting how to kill people even though he didn't have any substance to hold a knife (or poison or rope or a baseball bat) with.

He wasn't sure what he had been before he popped into existence nine years ago, as a fully formed older gentleman with a cane, and a degree (of suspicious legality) in psychology. He knew that he'd ended up there because some eight year old with an overactive imagination had invented him as an excuse to get out of doing the dishes. Her name was Meghan.

It had happened like this. She'd been on a girl scout camping trip, and as a result of all that camping, she was cold and wet and tired. She didn't feel like doing the dishes, but after dinner, one of the chaperones said that it was her turn. So she started the monotonous task of scrubbing, rinsing, and drying. About halfway through the job, she got to one of the big cooking knives they'd been using to chop up the vegetables for dinner. And an idea came to her.

"Mrs. Ballas!" The ingenious second grader cried, "I can't do the dishes. My psychiatrist said I can't handle sharp objects!"

Since Meghan wasn't actually seeing a psychiatrist (what a clever lie!), she now had to make one up.

"His name is Roberto," she began.

And that's how Roberto came into being. His life being the arbitrary creation of a little girl, and his long hours alone in the closet, left him with some very painful existential questions. It didn't help that Meghan (now in high school) seemed to have completely forgotten he existed. He wondered how he could go on existing after she didn't remember him at all, since his creation was the result of her very whim. He wondered if he even existed at all. I mean, being insubstantial, he didn't have any substance to pinch and see if he was really there. He sometimes wondered what it all meant.

"Psst. Robbie," Frederick whispered, speaking for the first time in a month or so.

"Don't call me Robbie," Roberto said.

"I want to get out of this closet," Frederick said.

"Why? You have a very comfy spot next to the koala bear slippers. And its not like there's anything better to do - I mean, we don't have any substance or anything," Roberto said.

"Well, we can watch stuff," Frederick said.

"That's another of those blasted questions - how can we see if we don't have eyes?" Roberto pondered aloud.

"Doesn't matter. There's nothing to watch anymore. I mean, all Meghan does is sit around on her computer all day. And we can't even see the computer from here. Although we do get to see her naked sometimes," Frederick leered.

Roberto shuddered. I mean, since Meghan had created them, it was almost incestuous watching her dress. But its not like homicidal maniacs had morals or anything.

"So what do you suggest we do?"

"We should go be insubstantial someplace else. Like, in a movie theater. Or a strip club," Frederick said.

"I wouldn't have the least idea how to get to one," Roberto said.

"Well, let's go exploring!" Frederick said, and without another word, walked out of the closet.

Roberto wasn't sure what to do. I mean, it wasn't like he particularly enjoyed Frederick's company. But the closet did seem awfully lonely without his familiar insane mumblings. Making his decision, Roberto took a deep breath, and ventured out of the closet for the first time in... well, ever.

The room looked different from outside the closet. He could see that one corner with the fishtank that had always been just out of view before. Frederick was tapping (insubstantially) on the glass. Unsurprisingly, the fish didn't notice.

"That's not nice," Roberto said anyway.

"Fishy fishy fishy fishy fish fish," Frederick said.

"You're insane. If I had a real degree in psychology, that would maybe interest me. As it stands, I think we should go back into the closet now," Roberto said, feeling a little out of place.

After all, he hadn't left the closet in ten years.

"I think we should go to an aquarium," Frederick said.

Roberto wondered if they had closets there.

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