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matchbox bulldozers
I see and turn away:
my mother standing on the back porch in canvas shoes
calling my name.
Supper is ready,
my father will be home
soon, but the blaring locusts carousel
around me. I prefer
them, distant brothers
in the sun, my playmates as the heat
fades and allows the grass to stand
upright. The fireflies will be out come the sunset
with their tiny green-ghost beacons in the blue evening.
And I want this world; I want
this life -- not the indoor, inside, in order world of supper
tables and the TV news.
I want the landscape I created --
roads made with matchbox bulldozers, roads leading
imaginary places where the dirt is always piled high
waiting for my dreams to employ it.
© 2007 esf
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Comment by: zepol - 2007-07-15 21:21
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| I like this but wish you had placed a little more emphasis on the matchbox bulldozer, cars, and trucks. Anyway it is a really good read. thanks |
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| I really enjoyed the fluidity of this piece - I like the way it is loosely written, more of a mindstream like memories are recalled. Very touching and I agree the line "tine green-ghost beacons int he blue evening" is beautiful. i don't usually like the use of colors in poetry, but you make it work in a powerfully visual way. The simplicity of it works well here. |
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So, I appreciate the feedback, and I've made a some changes. As I reader, I enjoy the effort in pulling things apart -- as a writer, I enjoy putting them back together. I guess the thought in wrapping lines and leaving out punctuation was to have the best of both worlds -- allow a reader to pull it apart as I had and piece it together as I had. My wife told me that this idea was simply "annoying." ;)
So here it is as it stands now... thanks for the feed back.
eric |
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Really wonderful read, great little touches the "canvas shoes" and I love the descriptions too of the fireflies, the grass standing upright.. Lovely childhood snapshots. Almost wanted to put "to" after road leading in the last stanza. While the wrapping style can be hard to really sink into in places I see where it also lends to the wistfulness of the story.
Thanks for the great read, bookshelved.
K. |
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Comment by: jtcina - 2007-05-10 10:59
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| I love the line, "tiny green-ghost beacons in the blue evening" but I must admit I was sort of confused by your message until the end when your writing becomes clear and more focused. I do think employing commas, periods, etc. will help you manipulate the way the reader will "hear" the poem as s/he reads it. This will stop the reader from guessing at tone or emphasis. Use your tools! Great concept, fair execution. You can build on this. |
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