I don't know why I have been feeling so low lately. I can feel myself sliding down a dangerous slope - deeper and deeper into depression.

It's as if everything is closing in around me - suffocating me, limiting me, holding me down. The only thing moving is my mind and it is racing at incredible speeds. Shifting from one topic and/or emotion to the next so quickly that I couldn't even begin to name them all.

I'm up, I'm down, I'm neutral, I'm down -- its the roller coaster from hell that I am riding and there's no one at the controls to stop it so I can get off.

Don't dwell on the pain it will only bring you down further. No, you must work through the pain if you ever want to heal. Contradictions are all around me leaving me more confused and hopeless feeling.

Work lays in front of me and yet I sit in a daze unable to focus on the task at hand, unable to bring my attention to where it needs to be. How can I work when I cannot retain a train of thought for more than 30 seconds? How can I continue to get myself ready in the morning and find my way to work when I'm physically exhausted and barely able to move? How can I learn and meet the challenges of the job when I'm an emotional wreck and barely able to hold back the tears?

How can I care for my critters when any kind of touch or feelings of kindness and love only make me want to weep more? How can I improve my health and strengthen my body when I can barely pull myself from my bed to use the bathroom? How can I expect any happiness or love to come into my life when I am so unhappy and hating myself?

My heart aches and incredible, indescribable ache. So intense is the pain that to rip it from my chest would seem the more humane thing to do. The emptiness inside leaves you knotted in sadness one moment and open & deserted feeling the next. The head aches from too much thought and emotion surging through its every crevice. The pain so strong and growing that it winds itself down your neck and out across your shoulders. The body becomes stiff from such limited motion, the heart slowly dies from lack of love and the mind races to its death from sheer exhaustion.

None of the pain, the hurt, the torment will ever cease to exist within me until I, myself, cease to exist.

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