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ender2006
Jack Garrett
United States

Words: 110
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Sahara, Convallaria Majalis

Supernova, destruction of star, beginning of Universe.
Full moon in pitch night sky, thirty-first day in January.
Waves breaking on shoreline, absence of wind, tide in, drawn toward beauty of Moon.

Hailstorm, precipitation, floods, uncertainty.
Anxious, curious bumblebee; captured by seasons last, on twenty-second day in March.
Rising sun, first day of spring, wings dried, bumblebee takes flight.
White bells chime, fragrance on waves of air; bumblebee enters petals of the valley.

Parchedness, humidity zero, wind, without, granular silica on fire.
Desert, Sahara, sixth day in June, man journeys alone; no water.
Orb blazing high, twenty-seven miles of footsteps behind.
Mirage, on horizon; hope; doubt; perseverance; doubt; hope; doubt; hope'¦

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Comments  
ender2006 Comment by: ender2006 - 2007-05-22 12:03
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Jeff that is perfection, i don't know why i didn't think of that. I must admit i love the semicolon anyway. Thank you
JeffreyB Comment by: JeffreyB - 2007-05-18 21:46
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Once again, great imagery, the pace is consistent and there isn't anything I can find that would make it any better than it already is. Maybe use semicolons in the last line to make each word stand out as seperate from the rest--give the reader a mental pause between each thought, that way it doesn't read like a quick list and the snap between doubt and hope becomes more polarized. e.g. (hope; doubt; perseverance; doubt; hope; doubt; hopeā?¦). Just a suggestion, maybe it doesn't work.

Very well done
-Jeff
ender2006 Comment by: ender2006 - 2007-05-15 04:18
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Thankyou autodepressive, you seem to come very close to the meaning, but i am talking about what u commented on before. I will tell u the truth... this poem is about a woman, a womam a admired from a distanance, she was beautiful an d wanted her, but at the time i was marriage, the twenty odd foot steps were the years in my life; if you knew what i knew at the time i wrote it, it would make a lot of sense; thank you, anyway
autodepressive Comment by: autodepressive - 2007-05-15 01:54
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i got caught by it, i could almost se it in front of me, especialy the last part....
Jamilah Comment by: Jamilah - 2007-05-13 17:39
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I love your imagery here. And the flow is very smooth, carrying the reader away. I agree about your last line. Great write.
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