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a mere shadow
A shadow, dark, blank, unknown, and unwanted. People are the sun; I am the shadow, followed by my curse. I'm lost and dead inside. I have waited for a long time for someone to find me'.yet no one ever came. This girl trapped in a body between the hands of fate. She says to her self 'should I die? After all there's nothing worth living for!' 'Or should I live and give life another chance?' she lies there on the floor in a puddle of blood waiting for an answer. She says 'by this last cut we shall see if I live or die!' she slashes open her arm'.she is taken to the hospital they save her just in time before all her blood is lost and she survives. When she comes home she still feels the same..no miracle has struck her, not even the Zoloft works (her antidepressant) she scream and throws things at the wall. she finally stops and falls to her knees and cries for hours that turn into days. yet soon came a boy, the one she will love forever, named Ben. he saved her from the horror and mortal peril that soon would have come to her...she now is happy and will never do what she once did.
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Hi, Mercedes, hope you are still out there writing and fighting. Hope was almost lost in the writing above, but, in the form of Ben, a saviour arose. I do feel that your work would shine more brightly if you were to space out sections more. As a block of work it seems lumpy, a mass to attack with blunt instruments, but, given space, accessability would come.
The themes and images are worked well and the emotions do come across with passion and despair.
'I am the shadow, followed by my curse.' is a fine line and turns around the normal position of a shadow. The 'curse' is multi-layered for us, too. Giving possibilities of character flaw / monthly cycles / wrong place, wrong time syndrome, etc.
You have good writing depth and this can only be shown better by possibly opening up your delivery.
These are just a few of my thoughts, not that I know much, but I hadn't heard from you for a while - hope all's well - Grae. |
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| good revision, but little blunt. it still needs more details. |
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| Pretty morbid and depressing--not much else to say--I think you acheived the emotion you were seeking here |
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| i think it's sad, but it's good. |
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