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Prologue to Johnnie and the Demon Queen
The Specter
'The Demon Queen's hit city after city all across the Confederacy and absolutely no one has been able to stop her.'
-The Confederate Post
'Drake, don't do this!' Quick Shot's heart wrenched at the sound of Antonio's whine.
She darted up the rotted wooden steps leading out of the Crazy Jake's crowded upper level and onto the 'roof'. The bar's background noise seemed to vanish entirely when a flash of lightning illuminated her leader.
'Drake!'
He looked dead already: his muscular frame hunched against the remaining wall of the third floor; his head down so that all she could see was his matted white hair.
She thought she saw his trigger finger tighten.
'Drake, no! I brought Corley! He says Bridgett's still alive!'
'What?'
Corley stepped forward. 'This information comes at a price, of course.'
Another bolt of lightning illuminated Drake's ghastly gray eyes as they reverted to their resilient blue. 'Just tell me what you know!'
The following crack of thunder shook the building, causing a loose piece of cement to come crashing down between Antonio and Chica.
The boy hopped back as it shattered against the ground, but no one else moved.
Corley cleared his throat. 'Very well. It was late last night, after the Demon Queen left''
* * *
The door to Crazy Jake's burst open loud enough to turn most heads on the first level, but Corley kept his eyes on the overhead TV. He was tired, and though the latest story interested him, it hadn't made him jumpy like all the others.
'Once again, it is advised that everyone return to their homes immediately,' the newsreel continued. 'While the Demon Queen has reportedly left the city, this new breech in our defenses could be just as dangerous.'
A deep, heavy breath came from the doorway, and Corley realized just how silent the room had become. Beside him, his bodyguard's eyes were bulging. He looked over his shoulder.
There it was in its black, hooded coat and tattered, bloody jeans: the specter the Feds were looking for.
'I need someone to arrange a meeting for me with a man named Drake.' It dropped the case it was carrying, spilling a few of the thousands of mennigs inside onto the floor. 'I'll pay handsomely.'
Corley smiled. 'Just what we were looking for.'
'Wait, I don't know if'' Dwayne began.
Corley stood up. 'I know Drake.'
The dark figure turned its head toward him with another ragged breath, slowly gathered the money it had spilt onto the floor back into its case, and hobbled over. Corley could feel all the eyes in the room on him and wondered for a moment what he had gotten himself into.
He could smell the rotted flesh beneath its coat as it put the case down on the table beside them and couldn't help but goggle at its decrepit, clawed hand.
'Tell Drake that his daughter is still alive, and that if he meets me at this location...' Corley flinched when the horrid hand shot toward him, but it merely came to a rest on his forehead. His mind went blank for a moment and then he knew exact whereabouts of the meeting place. 'I'll tell him where she is.'
* * *
Drake sat eerily still for a moment, then slowly lowered his gun. 'I'll pay you anything you want.'
Quick Shot's entire body shuddered in relief.
'Good.' Corley offered him a hand up. 'But before you see my man, you'll need to find Johnnie Bernstein.'
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Comment by: fox3333 - 2007-06-12 05:31
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Thank you all for the comments. I neglect to put any extra detail here because, well, I don't see the point. This is just an introduction and a hook, and that's all I want it to be. I want it to come off as somewhat confusing. I promise the next chapter, and the rest of the book for that matter, is much more coherent and filled with interesting characters. :)
Btw, if you at all enjoyed this please check out my website (http://web.mac.com/heidiroo) for the audio version. I'd love to hear what you think! |
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| & sorry I don't know how to do the peer rank bit yet? |
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I wonder if this is you getting your story together rather than you setting up a prologue for the reader?
I am not good at reading online - I find it a bit of a strain for some reason.
It does make you wonder where it is going to lead.
JM |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-06-08 08:30
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I think you've set up a good story, but for me, this whole thing was a little rushed and I found myself having to read back over and over certain lines to try and ascertain who was who and who was speaking sometimes.
I think you could make this confusion a little clearer. The basis is good, but it just needs to be slowed down a little. I can see why you have done it this way; to try and create a hurried, confusing, and therefore dangerous atmosphere... but fast pace can be achieved without rushing the text, if that makes sense.
Of course, I am curious to know what comes next, but I think you need to take the time to develop your characters a little more in order to keep your audience's attention - if we don't know the characters, we can't care about them! Maybe a little more (only a tiny little bit more) detail about the characters might help to clarify a little what is going on here, without reducing the tension and pace.
JMO, no offence intended. |
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| Wow this prologue is amazing. Great description of the specter. And I agree with everyone else, it is a bit short and I want to find out more. I'm going to read Chapter 1 as soon as I can. |
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