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untitled
Hurting causes an appearance of unbalance within my head~
Crying myself to sleep~ curled up in a lonely bed
My mom said goodbye only weeks ago
All this pain I feel~ no one seems to know
Seeking no negative attention~ only missing what I had
Unwanted emotions leading me to a writing pad
Choosing isolation because of unpredictable cries
A torn heart screaming never ending whys
Those I thought were close showed true personalities
Within my life those relationships have become casualties
Lost, feeling afraid
Hoping to receive unconditional aid
Pluck me up from this shattered mess~ piece by piece
Complete~ these nightmares may cease.
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raw emotion, evocative use of words. I have to agree with Thunderpen. There is something so liberating when we play with other forms and styles. I've often found that rhyming dictates the words I use, rather than letting the words dictate the form and rhythm.
I'd call it TORN,
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cheers! |
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This got deep, Shelly. I was going to quote to you some of your own lines, the ones I felt were quite good, but I think I will forgo.
Instead let me say that your profile shows some surprising creativity. Holding that creativity up beside this poem lets me see some things ... I think you might experiment with writing poetry without end-rhymes. Instead use your gift for surprising words to cut to the bloodline of what you want to say. Then, when the poem is down short and sharp, you can "hear" where rhymes might want to dwell within the lines.
Just an idea for trial.
I don't know what's worse, the people we have loved that have left us, or the people we have loved that we have left. |
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| Oh my God Shelly, this is by far your most heart-wrenching beautifuly painful work I have read. I am so sorry for your loss. Words on paper are a great release though aren't they? |
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Hmm. I was in a similar state when I first started writing. The line that seems to describe the piece(mental/emotional state) overall for me is:
"A torn heart screaming never ending whys"
That would make a decent title in my opinion. Or maybe a shorter variation of it.. though I don't see how you could really do that without losing some of the meaning.
Good luck. |
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| good imagery and your feelings seem real and deep. A name? I will think about that one. |
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