Sweet Foul City (City Smells Competition)
Azalea Trails, weaving in and out of bricked-street neighborhoods, surround just the south part of the city. Trails full of people, they seem so pathetic. Most of them old, their faces scold me. Passing them, I am uninterested in what they are doing. Taking pictures and saying of beautiful buds, "How beautiful, how lovely, my this one is divine!". Their men, clad in pressed shorts and strange socks, buttoned shirts and smelling of mentholated rub, say nothing. Only glances here and there of dullness and boredom.
Rushing past, I look at them, no less judgmental than they are. For their lives, I felt like saying, "I smell fear, disgust, and boredom, lots of ignoring." The incompatible smells combine with that of the azaleas. Touting the boring affair of their existence, like the beautiful flowers, the force of the smell is on me. Smelling a pressure to conform, not to live but to die, polluting the air.
Their stares won't stop me from gasping, needing a breath, from covering my nasal passages and feeling sick. Avoiding their urges to breathe it all in, not lingering for a moment, not stopping to care. I rush by, the fading stares and scent of azalea lingering in the air, I am thinking of places far away and wonder, "What would be their aroma?"
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"pressed shorts and strange socks".
I liked this line, too. I could see the men standing there in those starnge socks...what is it w/ old men and strange socks? |
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This read smells nice. Short, but nicely descriptive.
"Azalea Trails, weaving in and out of [the] bricked-street neighborhoods" - dont need the "the" here
"Only glances here and there of dullness and boredom." - really liked this sentence
"Their and my own conditions were now reeking," - kinda awkward
john |
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Comment by: zepol - 2007-05-23 17:32
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| Great story, I found a couple of errors you may want to address, fourth line from the top you have an exclamation point and period separated by a quotation mark, second paragraph condition needs an "s". I am not sure but believe ??mentholatum? rub should read "mentholated rub? as mentholatum refers to the company and mentholated refers to the impregnation and smell of menthol. I really enjoyed reading this. I love your style and I look forward to reading more. |
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Comment by: mickeyp - 2007-05-23 09:50
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I love the slightly subdued atmosphere hanging around these people. It reads strangely, which is my favorite aspect. "Bricked-street" adds to that. It sounds wonderful.
A couple of things:
"Most of them old, their faces scold me[.] [P]assing them I am uninterested in what they are doing." IMO has more power with a period there, but it functions either way.
"devine" [divine]
(I want more of the story! lol) In any case, this is a solid short.
"pressed shorts and strange socks". Great line and visual. |
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The story is fantastic, the descriptions very vivid. You have taken what is usually perceived as unplesant aromas (the smells of the elderly) and woven them into something lyrical. I would like to see the converse, the plesant smell of the "beautiful flowers" that you mention.
Looking over the original comments on this piece, I have to say that, for me, bricked street works better than brick street. Hyphenated, "bricked-street" becomes a compound adjective for "neighborhoods." As you have it brick is an adjective for street leaving neighborhoods all by itself.
Also, the meat of the first sentence, as I read it, is "Azaela Trails surrounds just the south side of the city." This makes "weaving in and out ..." a modifier, thus: "Azaela Trails, weaving in and out of the bricked-street neighborhoods, surrounds just the south side of the city."
It can also be read as follows: "Azaela trails weave in and out of the bricked-street neighborhoods, surrounding just the south side of the city," but I don't think that's what you are intending. Mostly, the punctuation depends on whether Azaela Trails is a proper noun or a description (based on the rest of the piece, I am guessing proper noun).
"Touting the boring affair of their existence, like the beautiful flowers, the force of the smell is on me." - Great modifier!!
Read this aloud exactly as it is written: "Rushing past I look at them, no less judgemental than they are." Now, say it how it feels most natural and punctuate it that way. The same goes for the following sentence. You have clauses here (rule of thumb is punctuate after five words or fewer, but natural breaks are the best yard stick) that feel awkward, as they are written.
A fantastic olfactory vision has been created here. Keep the words coming. |
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