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rabableo
Rabab Khan
Pakistan, Islamabad

Words: 126
Access: Public
Comments: 11

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When Wants Clash

I am tired,
My being, haggard and
Worn, needs solace.
Despite the passion
Of those fingers,
That make every pore
Sing for more,
My soul cries out,
Wailing
Woefully,
For release.

I am defenceless,
My body, open and
Responsive, wants satiation.
Despite the fervour
Of your love,
Which leaves my longing
Craving for peace,
My soul sulks away
Wilting
Willingly,
Until freedom.

OR (new line breaks)

I am tired,
My being,
haggard,
worn,
needs solace.
Despite the passion
Of those fingers,
That make
every pore
Sing for more,
My soul cries out,
Wailing
Woefully,
For release.

I am defenceless,
My body,
open,
Responsive,
wants satiation.
Despite the fervour
Of your love,
Which leaves me longing,
Craving for peace,
My soul sulks away
Wilting
Willingly,
Until freedom.

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Comments  
Thunderpen Comment by: Thunderpen - 2007-08-27 23:45
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I prefer the first version. It is unhurried and less staccato.
You have a marvelous sense of music.
Today you are my poetess of love.
zepol Comment by: zepol - 2007-06-26 22:09
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I enjoyed reading this but I do not like the word satiation. I am not sure but I feel as if you need to pound something else in there satiation, gratification, repletion I'm not sure. Oh, I like the first because I appreciate the use of conjunctions, which make most poems easier to read. Why not write for the masses? Good read thanks
Ethgar Comment by: Ethgar - 2007-06-02 05:18
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Iâ??m sure no one is going to agree on a favorite and they are, any way you slice themâ?¦ beautiful wordsâ?¦ I prefer the first simply because then the small lines fall with more impact. Nonetheless, itâ??s wonderful.
jagainst Comment by: jagainst - 2007-05-25 10:29
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Yeah, first one definitely, the flow is quite smooth and reads very well. The second version seems almost too deliberate and choppy.

That aside, really like this one, it escapes a cliche that so many try to convey when relating similar feelings. Very well written.
InHizImage Comment by: InHizImage - 2007-05-22 15:52
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I think both work but the first takes a trained eye to keep the rhythm. (JMO) The second reads easier as such. Nevertheless, the piece is beautifully written and poignant. I can relate.

Yvy
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