The place for writers: Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world. Learn how other writers are doing it. |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
Late one night...
(Note) this writing isn't meant to be in perfect prose as prose was taught. i guess i wanted more than that.... try to look at it numbly. think of it as a frenzy, a mad drunken journey? ......
Born with the night the yellow dots in the sky burnt bright holes into the dark their place stood above the heavy branches of the pine trees set to dark with none of their normal hues. Then go the quiet wind sang in his ear then go and fly, then walk out in the dark the dark woods. Walk under the cover of the wood, the trees of coated wrapped in blankets of dark brown moisture black bark. It fills my sorrow, recognition and comfort in this place the night air burns my face ill go on- I know. down this trail. The silhouette set by mother pines, comfort and a guiding tunnel this great hug from these great pines. The dark of the night is your new colours I can see. Magnificence shows when stripped of light and life.
I walk with the tide, the swell then release flowing stride release and subside. This place I know at the side of a lake it's a clearing the trees reside to the back from this place, strange and beautiful grown from nothing at all from the blades of grass moisture ran down drops run down the smooth of long grass. I believe the rocks there being sat on by fairies gathered in circles laughing at jest with ale and stories of far. At the other side of the stage they sat on that wood built a stage wrapped in their unions laugh on that stage in circles sitting together. I was there I could she them but separate. Walk away from them mother pine whisper, I love you. Watch yourself back make yourself move back. Cry from the sight the group sitting on the stage in the dark whisper light red don't let them see you. Your dressed their standing there- who are dressed up for? Dressed up for myself. You opened that door you walked out that door you walked past the smell. Wet due on the grass sheathed by cover of white web dew drops on the grass. Turn your eye you know your not special.
He came out of the bush with a top hat and a gun. A firefly with those eyes came to me and spoke took a life tale and grew magic from the strain. This is a special place you know boy it's gone in the new world outside from this place. Out in this place what's this time? I love the air out here, from my home I like to be covered with dark. Is that it? He spoke and grin set in on his bright face that top hat slide down on his face a bit as he said it. Let's go the both of us to see how it really is, how cold the water is a night liquid turned thick with night. Why are you out here like this? Away from under your blanket night is the time for sleep but your mind is here in the wood. Maybe I'm looking for somebody is that it you think? There is nobody here let that place be empty.
Don't let it stain you, you mountain you tree just like a pine. Be a rock. Understand. It's the eyes hidden and watching. I came here with a flight built on emptiness can I go on with out those eyes. I want the sea and waves. I want you to tell me my mind. And fall from the load wet eyes crying I'm giving up to the blue night. Its safe look at you mother pine will stand by the wind. I'm giving up to you.
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
You should try this again as a free-form poem.
I cannot say I like it in this form. If you want phrases to be more meaningful than sentences, use poetry. Sorry if I offend, but my critique skills are developing and will perhaps, one day, equal your prose. |
|
|
| Wow! this one by far is my favourite. This quote particularily stood out in my mind, "I came here with a flight built on emptiness". That is truly and sincerely one of the best things that I have every read in my entire life. It says so much with so little words. Keep doing what your doing. Your great. |
 |
Comment by: - 2007-05-26 21:04
|
|
| I like it awkward because it makes it feel like a dream. |
|
|
What a truly powerful vivid write. Your words are very captivating; at least for myself. However, it could use a little editing, I had to read a few sentences twice at times, because they seemed awkward. By awkward I mean lack of breakage. Regardless this was simply beautiful and brilliant. I honestly didn't want to stop reading it, you have a very mesmerizing way with words here. Very good write; it could use a little cleaning up as I mentioned.
- David |
| 1 |
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
| | Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster. Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S | | |