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Comment by: Dundano - 2007-08-26 06:14
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| You did a great job with this poem, don't change a thing. Your choice of words are what makes it your own. You drew me in and took me with you into this evening you were writing about. That is what a poet shoud do. |
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"The moon exchanges
a long greeting with the sun -
the tips of their reach
hardly touching one another.
The sparrow and blue jay
call to their fledglings
that the time has come
to rest their busy wings. "
these 2 stanzas were so good, I read them several times before I finished the poem. You did a wonderful job at capturing the end of a long and busy day. I read other reviews and don't REALLY think it is necessary to change, but if you did: you could just write;"the moon exchanges a greeting with the sun" Anyway, it is a wonderful read. Thanks for sharing. |
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I like this one very much as well. Only one thing kind of throws me a little. You use the word "long" too close together for my taste:
and release the long dayâ??s creep.
The moon exchanges
a long greeting with the sun -
Perhaps
The moon exchanges
A lingering greeting with the sun ??
or the lingering day's creep?
Again, I'm becoming a fan. :-) |
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I like this one very much as well. Only one thing kind of throws me a little. You use the word "long" too close together for my taste:
and release the long dayâ??s creep.
The moon exchanges
a long greeting with the sun -
Perhaps
The moon exchanges
A lingering greeting with the sun ??
or the lingering day's creep?
I'm becoming a fan. :-) |
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Dear Braintrashed and McGuigan,
Thank you so much for the great reviews. I appreciate you taking the time to review. |
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