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Bloodied
Lying here in a puddle of blood wondering
How I got here. Flash backs of the pass bore
A horrible, gruesome truth,
A helpless young girl trying to find
Her place in this dark cruel world.
Looking back into a once dark childhood.
Countless tears fall form her innocent
Eyes, eyes that always brought happiness,
Joy, hope and peace to people who took
The time to make her feel welcomed.
Then yet again faced with bruises from stones
And words, carelessly throne at her.
Rejected among many, the long hours of
Pain and suffering had longed in this broken vessel.
Crying out for someone to save me,
And in return is beaten among many.
I lay here in the puddle of blood I
Have bled through these open wounds.
I lye here crying out for a savior,
But I get nothing, nothing but more beatings
And a cold wind blowing on my open bleeding back,
This is how I will die, a slow and painful death.
© Rachel Ostrander (6/20/06)
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Comment by: Nezoqer - 2007-10-11 20:41
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| The others may have been critical about keeping the attention the reader, but understanding the context of the poem leads me to believe it could go no other way. I don't care what anyone says we are all reaching out for a savior, especially those with suffering, so bravo with this poem besides misspelling from it was beautiful. |
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| I agree with the previous reader, it goes along a little mundane, you have to grab the reader. Although it was a nice effort. As you get older, your poetic mind will go into new avenues. I have always written, but not always well. |
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Comment by: dseko - 2007-05-28 13:38
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Very vivid. IMO I think you could tighten it up without losing the impact.
For instance, you could drop the 2nd stanza, the info is implyed in the first one.
Countless tears fall form her innocent (drop "her")
Eyes, eyes that always brought -
happiness,(drop "always")
Joy, hope and peace to people who took
The time to make her feel welcomed. (drop "the")
Do this sort of thing throughout the poem and I feel it will give it more of a punch.
However, I am no expert. Just my opinion.
Hope it helps.
thanks for posting. |
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