 |
 |
 |
| |
Early Sunday Morning
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Early Sunday Morning
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A not so naive twelve year old
watched as all the possessions
in her house were taken
outside one by one.
They were placed on the lawn
one early Sunday morning
before the sun had shown
its yellow shining face.
Soon the lawn was
sprinkled with all her
prized belongings,
two of which she begged to keep:
Her pink canopy bed
and her confessional, her confidant;
a grey electric typewriter.
Her pleas were
met with deaf ears
as she watched
strangers walk away
with all things familiar to her.
As the sky turned
scarlet only a few
things were left.
Small things like dishes
which were bagged
and thrown into the trash can.
Back inside the empty house
bare from wall to wall,
pizza was ordered
by a female voice that echoed
down the empty halls.
She lay in her sleeping bag
on the hard floor
wondering at the events
that had unfolded.
In one day her
life was turned
upside down.
The extent she would
not know until the next day.
In the meantime the pizza
had arrived.
She ate two slices
and fell into a deep sleep
not realizing the toll
the day had taken on her.
She slept throughout the night
innocent to the fact that
as Sunday turned into Monday,
her life was about to change forever.
Want to comment on this Prose?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Prose and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: Rookie - 2007-12-21 20:14
|
|
I got the feeling that the adults in the background of the piece cared more about the money they were receiving from this little girl's things then they ever did for her. I think this little girl had already seen so much heartache but on this day she became invisible. Hopefully the next day they gave her away too, to someone who would love her always.
I remember when the farm house burt down and all I found in one piece was a steel doll bed I had. I have not thought of the bed in years.
Nice piece |
|
|
I see a metaphor here - if we isolate her as the only person in this story, not so naive ... the female voice was only that.
At times we give away things, parts of us, to have only what we need. Usually subconsciously, to burn it all and start again. And I know you wrote this about yourself.
Don't listen to anyone who feels a need to change this - they need to write their own. This piece should remain untouched. |
|
|
I agree with Thunderpen- the ending seems a bit rushed and redundant both. Her life was changing with every line we read. This also sounds like there's a part 2. Is there "more to come"?
Otherwise, many good lines, but as "NO name" stated, too many cliches in it. It makes it unbalanced with the original ones.
Yvy |
|
|
| I wondered about your extensive use of the passive voice ("the possessions...were taken", "small things...were bagged", "pizza was ordered", "her pleas were met", etc). Was this deliberate? It gave me a strong sense of disconnection and isolation for the little girl - she does not interact with anyone, things are just done to her by persons unseen and unknown. |
|
|
| i really liked how you got into the mind of a twelve year old, though she's not so naive. it got me thinking of the first time i moved from china to here...so long ago but i can still remember the nervousness and the sick feeling in my stomach...mmhmm...you've done a really nice job with this. |
| 1 2 3 4 5 6 Next |
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|