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Green
Everyone thinks Mary Jane smells so sweet.
Gather round, all of them, for secret kisses. Begging for a promised bliss.
In every wizened weed, dried up dreams curl up in sleeping.
Pass her around, everyone's either laughing or crying from Mary Jane's sweet little love tokens. Kiss, kiss, pass.
Imagined feathers tickle somebody's eyes. The ceiling's so ' wow! Crumbly, so funny. Everything's so wow! Love, love, love all over her body. Happiness bubbles in her belly. Warau. Laugh. Laugh it out. Share it with the world around her.
One kid's so blue, head down on knees, sick with sadness. Puff the magic dragon's swimming around in nostalgia. He aches for 7-11 Slurpees, sixty-four ounces of every flavor that's ever been discontinued. Childhood before the advent of the Internet.
My best friend's over there. But she waves me away. Can't bother her. Genius at work. She's found the Secret of the Universe in her bubble pink iPod. Touches the LCD screen. Blinks. Can't believe it's been there all along. I leave her alone. To be amazed by the profundity of her genius.
Everybody ' giggles, emo, and genius ' love her. Love how she floats them all around, good and bad and feeling feelings drowning in self absorption. Dizzy on her ether. Her smell. Her potted perfume.
But she smells like old grass to me. Bitter. Stale. Like expired medication.
Cough, cough, pass.
My ear drums are on fire. Crushed glass in my throat. Mary Jane's jealous, cuz I know her secret, cuz I'm the only one asking that question.
So what's her appeal, anyway?
Sigh. She looks away.
Sigh. I look away, too.
She leaves me be, and I let her do her thing. Yeah, that's how it is, now. New secrets we keep from our friends and lovers.
Nothing I can do but resent her and her power. Over me, over my friends.
I want them back, but all they can see is that hot girl dancing in the center of their every desire.
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'Love how the way she floats them all around' - how the way read oddly to me, love how or love the way would do.
'Like medicine my mommy made me taste ' - maybe lose 'my', the alliteration's a bit m'n'm-tastic.
'Cough, cough, pass' - possibly break here to enhance the relation with the earlier 'Kiss, kiss, pass'
The four short spaced out lines - 'So whatâ??s her appeal, anyway?' - 'Why ruin the party?' look a little sparse, from the previous comments it seems you've altered the structure since uploading the piece, I don't know how it looked/read before, they work, just feel a little bare.
It's a fun, observation piece told in an imaginative manner with a strong voice, some choice details which made me smile like the Slurpees and the ipod of enlightenment - smells sweet and reads sweet. |
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Comment by: digs - 2007-06-03 07:32
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| I can see why youâ??ve changed this to the form of a poem. The same thought did occur to me as I read it in its earlier form. Maybe itâ??s just a personal matter, but I preferred it as it was. It felt quite special as flash prose poetry, if that makes any sense. Either way, itâ??s an interesting exploration and a beguiling voice. |
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Comment by: waxseal - 2007-06-02 11:47
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| Very interesting. I think it might word better as a poem - there were some rhythms and language that suggested a poem to me - as a prose piece it's just the tiny bit out of joint. The end gets a little repetative - i'd take out maybe three lines? It's hard to say which ones but I think that it's too long for what you want to say. But you did capture that whole experiance very vividly, and honestly. |
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