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JayBean
Jelly Bean
New Zealand, Auckland

Words: 309
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Re: I WANT THIS BACK, YOU'LL SEE WHY

From: me@whereistand.com
Date: Monday, 4 December 2006 10:13 a.m.
To: you@overthere.co.nz
Subject: Re: I WANT THIS BACK, YOU'LL SEE WHY . . .
________________________________________________________


Thank you for this message ...
And parts of it are true . . .
Yet I reply not because it told me . . .
But because of the Love I have for you

It mentions something 'bout a tantra . . .
Which I do not agree
Of luck that flows from doing
Only because you feel guilty

But rather I would desire to give
A simple plain old key
Rather useless to the untrained eye
But a key to set you free

The key has been within my heart
For such a long, long time
And often times misunderstood
When it tries to shine

Now the key is to a world you'll find
beyond the here and now
yet once you have opened the door
it encompasses all somehow

Yes, today is important,
to love those while you can
but a greater sin is to not bring
this key to fellow man

Its name is plain and simple,
It is known to me as "Truth",
and it will lead you to the right door
if you humbly ask it to

There are many ideas and theories
some say there's many entranceways and gates
but this plain old key
I've found to be
Only for one way.

It was given to me by a humble King
That gave all he had to give
And forgiveness of our sin
So that we could truly live

So with my trembling hands
I pluck it from my heart
though it causes so much pain
to offer it with loving arms
in return for your shame

Of course it's up to you to choose
this old and simple key
but it would be my hearts desire
to truly see you free

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Comments  
JayBean Comment by: JayBean - 2007-07-22 03:54
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Heah, Thanks for those comments... i've made some changes.

cheers J.B.
Arley Comment by: Arley - 2007-06-02 07:18
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To the rhythm I'm hearing, I would change "everything" to "all" (last line in verse five) and revamp the line above it, not the meaning, just the wording, make it flow more smoothly while keeping the message of opening the door.

I would drop the "even" in the next to the last verse and "it's" should be "it." Then reverse the line below it, mentioning getting "shame in return" for "offering with loving arms" so that the line ends with "arms" which to me fits better with "heart" which ends the second line in that verse.
JayBean Comment by: JayBean - 2007-06-02 06:12
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Thanks Arley,
any suggestions for edit - feel free to comment.

Regards J.B.
Arley Comment by: Arley - 2007-06-02 06:07
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Solid truth pouring through here, JayBean! Edit some more, work on this, this could be very good!
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