The stares, the pitying looks on teachers face not daring to tell me off even if I completely ignored them like I could no longer be treated as a normal human being. I wanted to disappear, to get as far away from people as possible where no one could look down on me and try to tell me they understand, they didn't understand! They didn't understand how it felt to be only half a person, they didn't understand how it felt to miss someone so bad you wished you were dead, they didn't understand at all.

Words of encouragement were spoken to me as if I was a tiny child unable to do simple tasks by myself, everyone was so patronising and sickingly happy. How could they all be smiling when my whole world had just crashed around me and my heart had been ripped out from my feeble body and splattered across their paths? They found my pain a nuisance, they didn't know what to say or do it made everything awkward as if it was my fault.

Night time drove me insane, I would sit silently in my room completely alone listening into the silence for any signs of Mia, at times I thought I heard her whisper to me as if she was speaking from a great distance but I knew in my mind it was my imagination conjuring up her voice in the darkness. I did this night after night acting as a mad woman.

I tried to live in the past, a past including Mia. Her face, her eyes, her smile, so perfect and beautiful always more dazzling than mine. She had been the better twin, the older one, looking after me as if I was her baby sister when really only minutes separated us. Of course we had fought like all sisters do but we got on so well, our bond was strong, we let no one come between us.

It angered me to think that she the most special and talented one of us would never get to see the world or do the things she dreamed so longingly of doing. it angered me that she was the one taken when it could of just as easily been me, I would give anything to take her place. She deserved a life, no one had the right to take it from her not even omnipotent God.

It's hard to find words to describe how great Mia was. Compared to her I was nothing just a shadow of her energetic self, she was always the more popular and more likeable. She didn't judge people or care what they looked like, she saw the good in everyone. I remember being told many a time to be more like my sister, to not judge people because their too quite or too loud or wear out of fashion clothes just to let them be the way they are as long as they're happy.

Mum rarely got mad at Mia but it always made me laugh the way she used her full name when she told her off 'Amelia'� she would call up the stairs as me and Mia would try and find a place to hide from her wrathe. when she mad at one of us she was mad at both of us because we came as a pair so anything one of us had done the other one was of sure to of helped. She would then call again to both of us 'Abigail and Amelia come down here at once'� then we knew she was really mad.

Of course I nearly always took the blame.


11
She always managed to make me laugh either with funny faces or voices no matter how upset I was or how down I felt she always managed to break a smile across my face. She was like a performer and I was her audience never letting me become bored and always making us busy doing something. That's one of the reasons I missed her so much along with many others.

I had never been one for books but slowly I found myself beginning to read more and more losing myself in a world that was away from my own, a world where I didn't exist neither did my family, a world where people I loved couldn't get hurt. When I was reading I was in that world and nothing could distract me from that it gave me great relief as I could forget all my pain for when I was reading I was no longer a sad lonely girl I was that superhero, I was that mermaid, I was that woman in the black coat.

And at last I found a way of talking about my welled up pain, by writing. I wrote stories and poems and anything that came to my head, I spent almost as much time writing as I did reading it was a way of escaping. My stories and poems were nearly always sad and depressing almost sick in content.

I wrote on any paper I could find and most my poems and stories ended up crumpled and scattered across my bedroom floor. My bedroom floor soon became a sea of paper pieces and I no longer could be bothered to tidy it as that had been Mia's job.

My parents barely entered my room as if they were almost scared of what they would find. One day my mum dared to enter my room, I was sitting cross legged on my bed reading yet another book and she slowly creaked open the door and let herself in with a frown plastered across her face I could see her disgust for the state of my room as she was slightly obsessed with cleanliness.

I saw her crouch down and scoop up one of the many pieces of paper that lined my bedroom floor and I could see the worry spread across her face as she read its content. The piece of paper read:

Gone

I lie and wait, silence, nothing,
Death is approaching,
I can feel its harsh breath upon my neck,
Sending shivers down my spine,
I have little time left,
no one will miss me,
I am alone in this world
Death is a blessing,
it releases me from this life,
which is holding me here on this hell like earth,
silence, nothing, I am gone


'Do you really think life's not worth living and that you have no one? What am I to you then a statue?'� I could hear the mix between anger and upset in her voice. I was shocked by her reaction I didn't think it would upset her so much, I didn't write it to upset her.

I stared at her blankly tears now beginning to well up in my own eyes, I didn't know what to say, there was nothing I really could say. I still loved her despite all that happened and I hated to see her so hurt especially by something I had written. It wasn't meant for her eyes it was just some stupid poem I scribbled down when I was upset, it meant nothing.

'Well?'� she asked again no longer bothering to hide the fact that she was upset 'I think its time you left this room and these books and this paper, I know Mia is gone but that is no excuse for you to throw away your life, to live a life in books and in upset, Mia wouldn't of wanted you to'�

That last line hit me like a rock but it did not help me, Mia was the one that was supposed to be alive not me! She was the one that had so much to live for, but what did I have? Nothing. My mum couldn't stand to wait for my answer so just left my room in a huff leaving the door wide open behind her. I still sat on my bed unsure what to so.

My mum was sick of me moping around, she didn't understand why I couldn't live my life like she was but she didn't understand, she never would. I knew what the next step was and my mum didn't wait long as the next day she announced I was going to counselling whether I liked it or not.

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