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Comment by: champagne Online- 2007-06-14 19:48
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s2 L5: "To walk the path into wooded delves"
(Delves isn't usually a noun so I'm going out on a limb and guessing that you meant to say 'dells', the definition holds more sense inside the poem.)
I too have a problem with the "burned" imagery in s2 L1. Maybe it would be better to say steamed or melted in this context?
s2 L4 "Of past regrets--of idle pain"
(I don't feel that idle works as an adjective of pain in this sense. If you're trying to have past regrets left behind, maybe you could comment on the uselessness of suffering pain. Would the word 'futile' fit here?
Another wonderful poem that invites us on a stroll ... I'll have to get some photos of the park near my house. There are dappled clearings and sun-washed shorelines that seem to be reflected off this poem.
A heartfelt thankyou for sharing this one.
Carrie |
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Comment by: mootiy - 2007-06-14 17:44
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| I really like this, i agree with braintrashed about feeling in the poem. very well written. |
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Comment by: - 2007-06-05 01:21
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| Just another suggestion after reading it again... and again... To keep the flow and rhyme, maybe turn the second last line to read "Our thoughts bare laid" I dont think the third last line needs to tie in with that one whereas that line ties in with the rest... If you know what I mean...and the 6th line maybe " we can free ourselves in its rays"... Just a thought... oh and loose the "and" between "winters shroud and spring's rain"... Just a comma will do... I think you could do so much more with this piece... i see many ways of rewriting it so I wont go on... I think its a fine poem |
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| Romantic, mysterious & elemental: very enjoyable read. I did wonder about the imagery on line 4 however: 'Now that the sun has burned away Winter's shroud and spring's rain' > 'burned away' doesn't quite ring true...particularly if it's in sunbeams that you will free yourselves ? Just a thought! // 'roving polka-dots weave' - nice! Cheers. |
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| This is lovely. It was very aggressive in that it made me move at its pace, not one of my choosing- but poems with fists like this one always make me happy. I like feeling like I have been invited to experience the poem, not just stay one step back, forced to witness it, you know?- that really did this for me. I would like to quote what I like the most, but that would be the whole damn thing, save for maybe a few sentences. *I seethe with jealousy* |
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