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River Way
You are moving
fast!
running
riding
driving on this new path
the right Way
at last
narrow
curving
smoothly paved
Away from misery and loss
away from use and abuse
away from avarice and lies
clutching hands
hungry eyes
away from the soulless
goalless
and depraved
But where to?
Time flows forward
but always we face back
riding in reverse
flying fast
and faster
asses first!
to see clearly where and when
you've already been
all those things
people'places'spaces
and the future
glimpsed only dimly
shimmering
changing
in your mirrors
careful!
Objects are closer than they appear
This road less traveled
this path smoothed by bards
by poetry
by prose
by truth
by you
this winding road
is a river course
and as you ride through day
through night
fueled by inspiration
driven by molded metal mayhem
chrome-plated fear
lust and loathing
painted red and black
with love'lust'loss
You see now what surrounds you
On your left stands a wall
of solid stone
a cliff
roughly hewn
and within its face
a thousand-thousand cruel faces known
set fast
but writhing
parties pleading
"Please join us"
they tempt you
toward soul-crushing oblivion!
pay them no heed
but beware
their babble
boldly strewn
thrown jealously in your path
stear clear
of these broken stones of need
Ride on
On your right lies a narrow rail
and then a drop
into the swirling
churning
cold waters of sorrow
oh
what a spectacle life is
pain that ever seeks its lowest level
its misery
masterfully
moving in time
with you
strife beckons you down-down-down
to diminish into despondency
but look not long
or entropy will gravely
pull you there
Drive on
Now you worry
anxious
at every stone and blade of grass
whipping
blurring by
as you drive past
every poignant
petulant detail
holds you fast
they all want your attention
"Look at me! No me! No me!"
endlessly
till you lose sight of the road ahead
ignore these small concerns
and look further afield
this is the River Way
where the signs all say
"Caution'Curves Ahead"
You wonder where this passage leads
Where will you arrive
after riding at speed
between triviality and melancholy
and evading need?
The mileposts pass steadily
counting down the time
you steer with truth
and hope
for fabled fulfillment
yet the road is narrow
and so very long
endless seeming
it randomly winds into infinity
you're tired'so tired
pull over
dear one
and sleep a while
Rest
At the road's shoulder
holding still
stopped
you can look at the details
and wonder at each
safely seeing
remembering
being
this little wild flower
bright and living
this colorful stone
crystals shimmering
this cloud moving
shape-shifting'drifting
this blazing fireball
the sun
this twittering bird
this furtive squirrel
this empty bottle
carelessly flung
but don't stay too long
Your journey has just begun
I'll take the wheel
for a while
you need not drive alone
now look about you
longer
further out
beyond
be a passenger
for a moment
see
past monotony
cacophony
pettiness and pain
the goal is not the fabled land
the destination is not known
not planned
It is the road itself
Find your truth
find your sustenance
here
past all fear and hope
your mind sees clearly now
as you move in time
along The River Way
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Comment by: champagne Online- 2007-06-14 19:35
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I always hesitate to critique long, listy poetry. I know it can be said in less space, but I also understand the concrete impression of a long, narrow road carved onto the page with your words. I feel the rhythm repetition lends to each strophe. Would it be as lilting off the tongue were you to pare it down?
I don't think it would. Not that you shouldn't edit this. You should, you should make certain each word is fresh and each line can stand out from the surrounding ones. I can't imagine what you would decide could go and without attempting to rewrite your poem I am lost as to how I'd word it.
What I recommend is to let the poem rest. Don't change it. Keep soliciting opinion and ideas, then, once you've grown a distance from the first blush of inspiration, return and rewrite.
It's a fantastic read and I hope your poem becomes even better as you go through the editing process.
Thanks for sharing.
Carrie |
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| Thankyou BT, that's the kind of critisicm I want and need. I'll work on those orphan stanzas and I am glad you enjoyed the read. I'm alternating between making geoform pavilions (sewing & welding) and writing, the physical activity seems to give my brain a needed respite and rejuvination between writing sessions. |
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Okay, first and foremost, I want you to know, that I like this poem. In a few minutes, I am going to tell you why, but first, I want to point something out. I do so hesitantly, because I consider you a brilliant writer, and a better word smith than myself, so I hope you will take this as something constructive, the humble opinion, of one word-slinger to another.
"it beckons you down-down-down
to drown in despair!
but don't look too long
or its gravity
will pull you there"
"Where will you end
after riding at speed
between oblivion and despair
and dodging need?"
I do not like these stanzas. I will bet money you can think of a better way to word them. Words like "Drown" "Oblivion" and "Despair" are very weak cliches, and despair is used twice! It's like a gusher with no filling that just sticks to my teeth, and it calls to mind the droolings of the Gothic American Youth Culture Notebook Poet. I'm being harsh, because having reviewed your other work, which is incredibly strong and fresh, tonally, experimentally, visually, descriptively- I know you can do better. You prove it to me, directly following the last stanza I referenced, with this:
"The mileposts pass steadily
counting down the time
you steer with truth
and hope
for fabled fulfillment"
That's excellent! "Fabled fulfillment", I love this line. THIS is what you SHOULD be doing. This made me WANT to read, WANT to finish- and I did, and I'm glad, because these two stanzas are really the only weak spot(s) in the entire poem.
I would revise these two stanzas, but that's me. Considering the length (which is admirable as I probably couldn't write something this lengthy without it losing its intended direction) this is really just me being picky, but I think it's important to be picky, when you respect another writer as I do you.
All of that aside, building emotion in a reader is just as complex as constructing a nuanced meaning- you do this impressively well without relying heavily on gimmicks and special effects. You seem just to, know what you're doing to produce it. That makes you a good writer.
Enjoyed this. THANK-YOU for the read. Got my brain buzzing at 6:30 A.M. |
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Comment by: - 2007-06-08 15:12
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| Excellent... A piece well phrased... like a warning sign to the weary traveller.... |
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| Wonderful, just wonderful! Should "your tired??so tired" not be "you're'? I usually lose interest when I read poems of this lenght, purely because I have a very short concentration span. This one however does not have that effect on me. I was glued to the screen to the last line. It feels like a jouney, almost eppic. The metaphor(s) employed work really well, and well communicated. Great work! More please. |
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