writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
kellysmith
Kelly Smith
United Kingdom, Cambridge

Words: 504
Access: Public
Comments: 6

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Breaking

It began with the acknowledgement they were wrong. That all assumptions made and judgements called were flawed and skewed. While these new facts began to form, she made an attempt to speak. Someone had to unravel the moment, and their marriage, in words. To end what had begun. To break it all apart. To start at the beginning.

He was waiting. Someone had to do it.

They were sitting on board the King Harry Ferry, a day trip to St. Mawes behind them. Sand still stuck between her toes, the past wedged between them like a granite defence, keeping the breakers at bay. Two seascapes on canvas, bound for their London living room, were held tightly in bubble wrap on the back seat. Looking out of the windscreen, she stared blankly ahead, words arranging themselves logically in her mind. He tapped a hand on the steering wheel, smiling back at a kid grinning madly at them from the car in front. The day was almost over, evening light streamed from a cloud mass, bestowing an almost otherworldly air upon the scene. He watched as two seagulls flew across the pale blue depths, each helping the other speed and dip and float toward home. He clicked the radio on and clicked it off again, registering only static. White noise.

Running a hand through his hair, he watched the kid in front stick out his tongue and he mimicked the action. It felt good to pull a face; he hadn't stuck his tongue out in years. He was tempted to turn and face her, contort his features wildly. She would throw her head back and laugh; they'd turn on some music. He'd pull her towards him and kiss the words right out of her mouth. But he didn't. She was speaking now, waves of sound without meaning, a recording on a never-ending loop. He became caught up in its rhythms and cadences, losing track as the ferry began to move - her voice clamouring for attention above the clattering chains being dragged from the seabed. The ferry made its slow progress toward a distant shoreline, the road ahead coming clearer into view.

He recalled running along a beach toward his mother's waiting arms, how she had held a towel open for him, wrapping him so tight he couldn't move, laughing at his chattering coldness. 'Isn't it marvellous', she'd whispered in his ear, 'It's you and me now', and held him close as though he would break.

--It's you and me, she said. And he heard her, finally.
He nodded, staring ahead. Fixing his expression and holding it still, not wishing to see the same look hanging on her face, like a mask.
--It's the way we are, together. If we had known, it would never have'Śwe would never...
She stopped abruptly.
--Never, he thought. And turned then to see the vapour trails left by two passing planes, streaking across the evening sky, like scars.

Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
Phileley Comment by: Phileley - 2007-06-13 11:05
Add to Readers
      
Beautiful story. I had a really geeky problem with the point-of-view though - I found it hard to keep track of. I know some people don't mind when POV's shift but personally i felt that it was such an emotional story that i'd have liked to have seen it all the way through from either his side or her side of things.
GarethCB Comment by: GarethCB - 2007-06-09 13:41
Add to Readers
      
This was written beautifully. I was carried along by the prose and the fact that, although the reader is aware what's about to be said, it's not said clearly, and what has been said would appear to have been misunderstood.

A touching interpretation of two people drifting apart. Heartbreaking.
kellysmith Comment by: kellysmith - 2007-06-09 01:08
Add to Readers
      
Hi guys, Thank you all so much for your feedback. Bill, as far as the ferry goes, you're right, it definitely is an unusual one. I guess it feels so familiar to me as I've travelled on it lots since my childhood. It takes car and foot passengers between two fairly rural locations in Cornwall, UK and is heaved through the water by massive mechanical chains. There's a peculiar clanking sound as it makes its slow, 10 minute journey across a particularly beautiful stretch of water.
William de Rham Comment by: William de Rham - 2007-06-08 17:29
Add to Readers
      
Read this story twice, carefully each time. And will probably read it again. This is very much like a painting where every time you come back you see something new and where, if you're not understanding something first off, you're willing to take the time and effort to at least try and figure it out. So, intellectually speaking, it's a tremendously engaging story. As it is emotionally. Indeed, I responded to this on a very gut level, mostly with gratitude that I've been married for 22 yrs and never found myself in the position of having to say we're no good together(knock on wood).

I loved the little touches, and how they add to and flesh out the story: the seagulls, the painting in the back, the road ahead becoming clearer.

My only problem was the ferry, and that's due to my never having been on this particular ferry before. For example, all the ferries I've ever sailed don't allow you to ride in your own car. And I was a little thrown by the rattle of the chains coming up from the sea bed. Is that the enchor chain? And, if so, why? (since, presumably, the ferry was docked at a pier for boarding and not anchored). But, like I said, I don't know this ferry.

All in all, a great piece of work. Thanks for posting it.
BrindleyHD Comment by: BrindleyHD - 2007-06-08 14:40
Add to Readers
      
Enjoyed this. Enough detail, not too much. Nice juxtapositions between the internal and external worlds. Simple. SHortish sentences. Authorial voice doesn't intrude. I wonder if you need a 'that' in the first line. I'm in favour of 'that's: too much so sometimes I'm told!
1 2 Next

Sponsored Ads


By kellysmith

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S