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Sister
When you said
I'll cure you
I believed
I trusted you
Who wouldn't want to be cured
of pissing the bed
of waking a-shiver
and stink
Wait 'til they're gone
You reassured me
I agreed
I needed you
While I played we waited quiet
mom and dad dressed
mom and dad left you
in charge
While I played skiprope
And you sang
You reassured me
You smiled sweet
Then helped peel away my dress
all of it comes off
all the bad stuff
washed away
But that tub was full of ice
I cried please
I reached upward
And you were so determined
your eyes clouded
your lips thin
frozen heart
I hardly ever blame you
You did your best
You reassured me
But now and then I remember
how your arms
held mine under
my breathlessness
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Are you familiar with 'rivers' occurring on a page of text? Squint your eyes just a little to see the lightning streaks of white running down through the page. In your poem above, I squint and see the average end of the lines. Your poem goes Down, LEAP, Jar, Jar, UP. I don't know if that means anything, but if it does, then your poem crouches, pauses, dashes, pounces, then climbs up.
How's that for a crit? Any help?
Did the ice bath effect the cure?
Being held down in the icy water reminds me of the 'modern medical nightmare'. You did an excellent job of preparing us, building suspense, then forgiving your sister -- in a way -- and then relating the killer in her and your moment of victimization. Well done.
I also like your solution to the question of punctuation. |
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Comment by: zepol - 2007-06-23 21:55
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| Fhaedra, this is really good. You described this memory quite well, great content. I hope you have time to critique or comment on mine this week. thanks for sharing |
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Comment by: - 2007-06-11 05:59
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| Such a horrorific memory and yet so well penned - I admire your ability to express so much in short sentences and few words. |
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