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don't give yourself away
burnt tongues and steeled hearts
he gestures to my left
where rings bent under pressure of will
and words melted beneath coolness of iron
handwritten and the biting machine
i will never sell my soul
to the emptiness of the white sheets
or the lost clutter in his stained teeth
(i will not, i swear it)
hypocrisy versus a plain love
one not less joked about nor disregarded
impossible to be silent like wolves
if only i could close like petals in the night
(but i will not)
(i fall too easily)
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| Hmm, great write. This weakness of will is sometimes too harsh for ourselves to handle. |
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if only i could close like petals in the night
(but i will not)
(i fall too easily)
I liked that part a lot; it was a good way to end. In a way, the way in which you have written this presents the confusion in expressing emotions, in that it is mostly all metaphor and not linking. But I always like to see metaphor in poetry; it makes it all the more interesting to read and dissect.=) |
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Haha oh you certainly were not out of line at all. Critisism is critisism, and so long as it's given fairly, you're being very realistic... and you were. You're right about the overuse. I sometimes end up doing that when I'm not sure how to express something, but the emotion is welling up inside of me. But I like your suggestion about the kitchen, really. I'll have to try that sometime.
Thanks again, I like all comments, whether they be praise or harsh.
-Amelia |
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Great intent, great feeling.
BUT don't hate me. Please, see my other comments to your other works. This one misses... to me. Not necessarily to anyone else. When you submit a piece to a zine/e-zine, it is often read & decided by a single editor. You are addressing only that person. So when a rejection slip returns your stuff, you can't ever feel its only you. Can you tell how long i've been submitting?
See me as only a single voice in many.
It seems like some of the images have been over used. Perhaps dig into yourself, let something new come out to explain these same issues...
i.e., "sell your soul"... even a little mind & reworking can define this authentic in your own spirit... Maybe... "give to my needs..." What symbol, maybe very common in your life, can be used to replace "sell" & "soul"?
i sometimes go to the kitchen. One of my pieces is called "Automatic Drip Resuscitation." Another: "Freeze Dried Passions." i give those to get you into the machine where we lose ourselves & come up with our best poems/prose...
Does this make sense?
Respond, please, so i know if i was not out of line.
Bye,
jimmy |
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