Scaring The Stars Into Submission (Pt. 2)
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Scaring The Stars Into Submission (Pt. 2)
A cotton-candied sky
slow, taffy-pulled apart
in a case of Sunrise v. Sunset.
The wife and I relished
our morning smokes
as they became afternoon puffs
while a solitary piece of heaven
floated quietly down
and without premeditation,
landing between two cars
and making a throne of our street,
we the subjects of the Sky King's Court.
The paper would read
'Cumulonimbus Suicide
Stuns Neighborhood :
A Swan-dive From The Sun'
as our daughter came home for supper,
cloud innards like cobwebs stuck
to her fingers, rolling it up like gum
and then watching it expand on the table
slowly
a baby cloud birth
right next to the dinner rolls.
Like a tumbleweed snowball
the Sky King bristled down the street
unraveling and dissipating gently,
a pied-piper of dreams
taking our children and adults
with it, following to the intersection
where, unstoppable, a car grill devoured
our little piece of heaven.
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| Your word choices and imagery were really beautiful and strong. The poem flowed really well and I don't have much to criticize. nice job. |
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Comment by: AJSmith - 2007-06-26 07:43
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Hi
i enjoyed this piece. it was very creative and i especially liked the first stanza. it had a subjectiveness to it which was reflected in the actions - that carefree attitude. I would change:
"landing between two cars
and making a throne of our street,"
to
"landed between two cars
and made a throne of our street,"
the rest of the poem needed re-reading, but it's meaning and imagery eventually came through. I dont know if this is something you intended. if it's not, perhaps you could simplify it slightly, but then that would probably be taking away from the overall impression. enjoyable |
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Comment by: Sophia - 2007-06-25 08:40
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| Just reread this and realised that 'landing' is right...silly me. So, that means this is pretty perfect in my opinion. |
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Comment by: Sophia - 2007-06-19 08:25
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I love the imagery you use in this; the writing is very strong. there are some really beautiful lines here. the only tiny little thing that didn't read so smoothly for me was:
'floated quietly down
and without premeditation,
landing between two cars'-should be be 'landed'? For some reason that seems to be what i would expect it to be, but it could be my reading!
I think the 2nd stanza is my favourite. |
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