Jake: Hi. I'm Jake. I'm going to be your love interest for the rest of the movie, except for a short period of time when your ex suddenly reenters the picture. He'll only come back to you after his Hollywood girlfriend dumps him, so ultimately it won't work out, which is great for me.

Claire: I'm Claire.

Jake: I know. Our characters went to high school together, but you don't recognize me because I weighed 300 pounds back then due to low self esteem issues that I've worked out through a combination of spirituality and exercise bulimia.

Claire: How interesting.

Jake: Yeah'¦

Claire: Heads up. I'm going to play hard-to-get for the first third of this thing, until you win me over by telling me your most prized possession is your great-grandfather's pocket watch. My closest girlfriend, who's a slut, will try to talk me out of getting together with you, because she secretly wants you; a situation that will reach fruition when I leave you for my ex. You'll kiss her, but feel so guilty that you will confess everything the second we get back together.

Jake: Sorry in advance.

Claire: No problem. I will probably have a 30-second soul-searching music montage, where I will overlook the ocean at sunrise or take up pottery. I'll forgive my friend first. I have known her longer, and admittedly, she is a slut. We'll make up in the last few moments of the movie, effectively quelling any turmoil generated by our lukewarm performances.

Jake: So'¦.when do we start filming?

Claire: The movie wrapped two weeks ago. Don't worry. We start another one next week. Same movie, only this time I'm a nurse and single mother and you're an injured sports star battling an alcoholic addiction because your dad only cares about the game, not you.

Jake: That all sounds vaguely familiar'¦

Claire: It can't be. The writers spent hours changing the details and shuffling stock characters so the plot would be unrecognizable, yet comforting, for most audiences.

Jake: Sometimes it seems like people just want to see the same movies over and over.

Claire: Don't complain! It keeps our names in the tabloids. Plus, think what we would be doing otherwise!

Jake: Dramatic work?

Claire: Try Reality TV!

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