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between math and water.
i admit, i am unaware.
remote and remotely independent of this isolated tangent of fear.
i remain unaware, remote, remotely sedated and independent of our coexistence.
but i soak it up, unaware and guessing.
and when all is said and done,
when all is detached and transparent,
i hear the sound of myself crashing into these coming of terms.
a notion's wave seeps through the calloused cracks, and still
i remain unaware and motionless, the sum of a vacant whole.
i've done the math.
something needs to give, and give it to me hard.
apologies soaked in tears will only soften the blow.
something needs to give. please give it to me hard.
in this cloak and dagger home, i secrete & resurface temporarily.
to catch my breath. to catch a glimpse of another wave of nausea.
all of this. all of this. all of this for nothing.
for everything. and the vast blue in between.
i catch my breath,
only to resume sinking in the ebb & flow of myself,
unaware.
but still fucking calculating.
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Comment by: muymia - 2007-06-28 09:02
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| oooh.... those are fantastic! thank you! i will revist this one later down the road. it's still too fresh in my mind, and i think i need to take a step back and forget it/myself before tackling it again. but good grief, those are good suggestions. way to make me feel dumb! (kidding... i sincerely appreciate being steered in the right direction. i do tend to give up fairly easily.) |
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Maths is not my strong point either, Mia. How about phrases like "the algebra of cruelty" or the "calculus of need" or "the long division of truth". "Sometimes the equals sign points to the answer, but still I cannot find it." If you need a handy reference, check out www.rhymezone.com ... It gives you suggestions for rhymes, but also if you click on the tab and put in words it gives you links to alternatives. Hope this helps.
Paul :D |
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Comment by: muymia - 2007-06-26 21:53
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i have to admit, i'd always been an F+ student when it came to math, so in this instance i definitely struggled with coming up with decent mathematically-inspired images/phrases. if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. i'm afraid i've hit a wall.
as for the repetition, i agree wholeheartedly, but i'm a sucker for it. but perhaps the use of "remote" (especially so closely) may take away from the actual meaning and drive behind it.
you guys are fucking amazing. thank you so much. i don't think i received this much constructive feedback even in my creative writing courses. much appreciated...! |
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Hiya Mia.
I really liked the way you mixed the concept of mathematics with water. However, my main complaint is that you didn't go far enough with the metaphors, or you repeated yourself in places so it became rather moribund.
For example the consistent use of the word "remote" did not work for me. You might disagree, Mia, and we have all used repetition in our work from time to time to enunciate a point. But in this case I wondered how relevant it was. Maybe you could find a better metaphor in the realm of mathematics and water to elucidate your sense of "remoteness"; or maybe find other words to express "remote" rather than the word itself.
However, the repetitiveness in the last stanza worked really well, this sense of constant resurfacing seemingly fitted with the rhythm of the verse. And the last line was a killer - a drowning person still scheming and "calculating" despite the ebb and flow of life. Thanks for sharing.
Paul :D |
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Comment by: matt1 - 2007-06-26 17:08
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| The maths imagery was well balanced within the poem. Did you get inspired by the line "i've done the math" or was it an evil math teacher? Fantastic work. |
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