I gave birth to Skyler on a cold, dark rainy day in the middle of June. I had told the doctor that I didn't want to know the sex of the baby even after I had given birth. Payton, my husband, however, wanted to know; he wanted to be able to announce it to the world. We never saw eye to eye on this. I still don't see the importance of knowing the gender of your child. It came from you; you should love it no matter what. You shouldn't treat it any different, boy or girl.
My room was lined with roses, daises, sunflowers, big mylar congratulation balloons; cards were set up on the nightstands on either side of my bed. The décor was better than I expected. I was waiting for stark white walls with maybe the generic picture of a meadow opposite the bed. This room was warm yellow color and it had pictures of forests and the ocean. I even had a queen-size bed.
'Tyler?'� Payton's head poked around inside the room. His hand held flowers behind his back. 'The woman at the desk said you may be sleeping but that I could go in,'� his hand came to the front side of his body with the bouquet of yellow/orange roses. 'You don't like them,'� his face dropped. Mine must not have showed enough enthusiasm.
'No, they're beautiful.'� I tried to sound like I meant it. I just have so many already.
He sat on the edge of my bed and held my hand. His thumb made small circles over my skin. 'So, tell me again why I can't tell anyone what we have for a child?'� He talked to our hands.
'I told you this; I don't want any of it. I don't want the strictly pink and ballerina things nor do I want the blue and baseball things. I don't want this child to grow up like I did.'�
'But, I'm not your father,'� he protested as he looked up at me.
'No, but there are so many people out there who are just like him and I don't want to see our child grow with that over its head.'�

I was exactly eight years old, to the hour, when I met my father. And I was exactly eight years and two hours old when he left again. I had spent most of that morning with my mother running errands. Our last stop was at the barbershop where she told the man that I wanted to cut all of my hair off. 'She's at the tomboy age, you know,'� she told him. Her hand was light on his shoulder and a smile, just barely showing her teeth, was across her face. I tried to protest but the barber was sucked into my mother's charm.
I cried in my bed afterwards for hours. My mother's only condolence was her arm around me for a few short moments and the words 'You'll understand someday why this was good for you.'�
She left the room. A knock at the front door came a while later. 'Sweetie, your father's here!'� She couldn't hide her excitement. I jumped up and tried to fix my bowl cut hair in the mirror. I opened my jewelry box to look for a barrette but they were all missing.
'Hey,'� a loud deep voice came from my doorway. It was strong at first but trailed away quickly. I looked over just in time to see him walk away. I checked my jewelry box one more time and went after my father. I could hear mumbles coming from the backdoor. I started to walk slower and closer to wall where the floorboards made less noise.
'He's got long eyelashes, there's nothing wrong with a boy with long eye lashes,'� I heard my mother say. My father didn't say anything though. The only sound after that was the door closing and my mother sobbing.
I understand now what my mother was talking about. My father wanted a son and my mother wanted him back.

I held Skyler's hand tight as we walked into Little Frogs and Pollywogs. All the children's coats lined the hallway and above them, in cubbies, were their Barbie and action figure lunchboxes. We entered the main room where everyone was gathered in a circle. One of the adults broke away and walked towards us. Her curly brown pigtails that hung near both of her earlobes bounced as she came towards us. Her brown skirt pooled around her legs like a mud puddle as she bent down in front of Skyler. 'Hi, you must be Skyler. What a pretty name you have. I'm Mrs. B.'� she stood up and extended her hand. 'How are you doing today?'�
The children turned around and stared at Skyler. A few of them turned to their neighbor and whispered. My eyes moved to Skyler who was in plain blue pants and a red T-shirt. I looked to the rest of the class. Most of the girls were in some shade of pink or a pastel color. The boys were in T-shirts that had dinosaurs and action figures across them.
Skyler stared at the circle. Mrs. B. kneeled down again, 'Do you want to go over and join them?'� Without an answer she took Skyler's hand and walked over to the group. 'Okay everyone. This is Skyler. Now think back to your first day, and how hard it was for you to meet people. I want you to give Skyler the same respect as you would want from everyone else.'� I waited around until I thought Skyler felt safe without me there and I quietly ducked out.

Skyler, Payton and Rachel, a neighbor, sat around our dining room table finishing dinner. My mother and I were in the kitchen putting the candles on Skyler's cake. ''�6, 7, 8,'� my mother counted aloud. 'All there.'� The floorboards creaked as she turned to face me in the freezer. There was a pause a moment too long before she spoke, 'Are you ever going to tell Skyler?'�
'What?'� I asked. I should have seen this coming, she never did think before she spoke.
'That this whole not saying the sex thing is an experiment. I read somewhere that if you keep the sex of your child away from them it can actually make them gay.'�
'Mom, that's ridiculous.'�
'What if it's not? Do you really want to be responsible for turning your child gay?'�
'What does it matter? Skyler has both parents and is happy, that's all I care about.'� How could I expect her to understand that? She never seemed to have my best interest in mind.
'And is Skyler happy?'� she crossed her arms and gave me the looked she gave me on my eighth birthday.
'I'd hate to interrupt but Rachel has to be home in 45 minutes,'� Payton's head poked around the corner of the door jam.
'Yes, Skyler's happy,'� I said walking past her and into the dining room.
We sat down at the table and sang Happy Birthday. Payton cut into the balloon and streamer decorated cake. I watched Skyler and Rachel eat. They held their forks the same and opened their mouths as wide as they could before inserting the cake. Rachel turned her plate around to eat the balloons; Skyler watched her and did the same. With lips ringed with blue frosting and a forehead smudged the same, Skyler looked up at me.
'Mom, can I walk Rachel home?'�
'Sure. Do you like the cake?'�
'Yeah,'� they said, just out of sync with each other. Skyler smiled at me. Eight-year-olds only fake smiles when they have to pose in pictures. They don't completely understand yet that smiling is a way to fool people.
Payton and I stood on the front porch and watched the pair of them walk across the street. Mrs. Parker, Rachel's mother, knelt down to talk to the two of them for a minute. She stood back up and looked towards us. 'Would you mind if Skyler came shopping with us tomorrow?'� she asked.
'Sure!'� Payton screamed before I had a chance to open my mouth.
'What do you mean sure? She doesn't know what clothes to buy.'� I tried to keep my voice low but I know I have little control over that when I get upset.
'Maybe it's time we gave this whole game up. Do you even remember what sex Skyler is?'�
'Yes, I remember. I changed Skyler's diapers for a little over a year, with no help from you.'�
'Well one of us had to work. We have to pay the bills somehow.'� Payton lowered his head and held his hand out to Skyler. 'Hey kiddo.'�
I turned to wave good night at Mrs. Parker and Rachel. They had already turned to head in when I called out 'good night'� to them. They turned around and Mrs. Parker waved back. The light that was mounted on the ceiling of their small front porch gave off just enough of a glow to see their outline. Mrs. Parker waved with her free hand while her other hand was wrapped around her daughter's shoulder. I turned to tell Skyler and Payton to come say good night too but they had already gone inside.
That morning I sat at my desk and wrote Mrs. Parker a letter,

Dear Mrs. Parker,
Here is $40 for Skyler. Thank you so much for this. Skyler couldn't stop talking about it last night. There are a few concerns I have however. Payton and I have tried very hard all of Skyler's life not too assign a gender and I would appreciate it if you followed a few guidelines. No colors you would associate with a particular sex. No football or ballerinas. However, soccer, lacrosse, and skiing are good. If you need to contact us, our house number is 246-4864, we should be home. In case we aren't my cell is 235-7457 and Payton's is 785-1155.
Have a good time,
Tyler

I folded the paper around two twenty-dollar bills, put it inside an envelope, and gave it to Skyler. Seconds later the doorbell rang. Skyler ran to the door and immediately gave Mrs. Parker the envelope. I watched as she opened it. I felt like I was standing in the water at the beach as a wave of guilt came and broke right at the back of my knees. It hits me just at the point where if I'm not strong I will topple over. I stood my ground. Mrs. Parker looked up at me from my letter and nodded her head.
I began to cook dinner about an hour before Skyler was due home. Payton had left a short while earlier. I had asked him where he was going but he only mumbled something before he shut the door behind him. I poured the rice in the pan and stirred it.
I couldn't get over the guilt I felt earlier. Why had I felt that way? The way Mrs. Parker's eyes glared at me almost as if to say 'What's wrong with you?'�
I was supposed to add two cups of water and the seasoning packet. But I continued to stir it until even the grains that were supposed to stay white turned brown and smoked.
All of the arguments with Payton and my mother flooded my head. 'I read somewhere that if you keep the sex of your child away from them it can make them gay,'� I mimicked her. What's so damn wrong with being gay?
I picked the pan up, dropped it into the sink and turned the water on high. Black rice and water ran down the pan into the sink and swirled around until it reached the garbage disposal. A steam and smoke mixture came up and covered my glasses.
Skyler is going to figure it out eventually. 'Mom! I'm home,'� Skyler yelled. 'and dad found us at the mall.'�
'Skyler, your father and I have some things we need to talk about with you over dinner.'�
'What happened to the rice?'� Payton asked. 'What do we need to talk about?'� It never fails; anything I say always takes a few seconds to register.
'Honey, go wash up for dinner.'� I waited until Skyler was in the bathroom and I could hear the water running before I spoke, 'I think it's time to tell Skyler.'�
'All set mom,'� Skyler came back into the room. I'm sure there was only water involved in that clean up but I let it slide.

We sat around the table, the pizza box in the center. Steam rose from the slices. It curled and spun around the room. 'Skyler, your father and I think you're old enough to hear this,'� I looked at Payton, whose face was expressionless. I hoped for something, an 'okay, go forward'� look or 'are you sure you want to do this?'� or even 'stop now before you regret it,'� but there was nothing. I took a deep breath in, 'You know how,'� my eyes moved from Skyler to Payton, who's face still told me nothing, and back to Skyler. 'You know how Rachel wears dresses because she's a little girl, and how you don't, well you don't because you're a boy.'� I let the rest of my air out.
'Yeah,'� Skyler said.
'Well, what your mother is trying to say kiddo, is that we've been trying to keep this from everyone,'� Payton finally helped me out.
'But dad, you told me that two years ago.'�
'What?'� I shrieked.
'Dad told me two years ago when I went into first grade that I had to use the boys' bathroom.'� Skyler looked at Payton.
'Honey, I'm sorry. I just didn't want him to be humiliated going into the girls' bathroom,'� Payton looked at me. I wanted to be upset that he went behind my back but I looked at my son who was obviously confused. I had never taken that into consideration. I had always taken him in with me and when he did go by himself, I guess I hadn't paid that much attention.
'Skyler, I'm sorry. I should have told you a long time ago.'�
That night I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time. For an instant I saw my mother and how she looked 28 years ago. I tried so hard to avoid that. I tried so hard not to become that aspect of her but I did.
It was late that night when I called her to apologize. She answered with a raspy voice. I apologized for waking her and told her that I confessed to Skyler. She mumbled something and I told her I finally understood.

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